Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
You have to be 100% behind someone, before you can stab them in the back.
I'd much rather eat exactly what I want, and then burn it off, than diet.
I've been lucky enough to be able to choose exactly where I want to live.
I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal.
I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962.
A lot of women in the summer nowadays are just a bunch of stuffed shorts.
With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.
She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size).
My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.
A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.
My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store.
The one measure of true love is: you can insult the other. --Slavoj Zizek
I buck the trend: I eat avocados on a Sunday morning and I'm a homeowner.
If I've learned anything in my 30s, it's about holding back a little bit.
I don't consider myself a comic but a performer. A comic tells bad jokes.
The truth is, I've denied it for years, but I love deconstructing comedy.
I know that for me I have to get out of the way and let God take control.
I would make people who bullied me laugh, so that's my defense mechanism.
Love in all eight tones and all five semitones of the word's full octave.
Estate agents: like them or loathe them, you'd be mad not to loathe them.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.
I'm always content. I hold much more store in contentment than happiness.
People have tried to glam me up over the years, but it just doesn't work.
It doesn't worry me what anyone says, except when publicity hurts others.
It's hard to be sad when you're laughing, so I enjoy making people happy.
I'm not a total chump. I write stuff that's reasonably musically complex.
The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer.
You want something by Bach? Which one, Johann Sebastian or Jacques Offen?
Acting is not my favourite thing. I don't like wearing costumes and wigs.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
Oh, insomnia! Ah, well, I know a good cure for it... Get plenty of sleep.
Sex isn't necessary. You don't die without it, but you can die having it.
I used my imagination to make the grass whatever color I wanted it to be.
You want every movie to be a hit. But every painting isn’t a masterpiece.
You can shoot a show and have it not air. It's not real until it's airing.
Sure, retarded jokes write themselves. But the spelling is always way off.
I'm inspired by making people laugh at subjects that should make them cry.
I think we have a lot to learn from ancient cultures and different tribes.
Before I met her, I drank and swore without reason... now I have a reason.
You are what you eat.....I've eaten so many fat cunts you wouldn't believe
Intellectuals are people who go to study things other people do naturally.