Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Never go for the punch line. There might be something funnier on the way.
I've been around the block a lot and I've had a merry trail for 55 years.
Well my chocolate is so good I could sell it in an obnoxious prism shape.
Mario you are a great chef but you look like a homeless James Gandolfini.
'Maury' and 'Jerry Springer' get so theatrical that it's hard to believe.
If Brando can do Capote and I can do Brando - well then, I can do Capote.
'Are you sure you're going to be warm enough?' is a question I get a lot.
Always thinking that you're not very good is far better than being cocky.
When you're little, every experience writes on the canvas of who you are.
The time that I have on this earth should just be filled with good times.
Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
There is a remote tribe that worships the number zero. Is nothing sacred?
Do you think to yourself, 'Wow, I saw this chicken and she was gorgeous?'
Bill Murray was just so funny to me - there wasn't anything spooking him.
The people we elect aren't bipartisan. The American public is bipartisan.
For my scale, how I grew up and live my life, I'm making plenty of money.
If I do something for my kids, I get a medal, because most fathers don't.
Why go through life feeling cheated? It does nothing but make you bitter.
Younger and younger, our children are seeing the sippy-cup as half empty.
I think in doing stand-up there are no rules and there's no architecture.
The need to eat, sleep and dry out plays havoc with your sense of wonder.
There is barely a country in the world where you will be completely safe.
I've read that Steven Wright's style was born out of genuine nervousness.
I think Mitch Hedberg is one of the great comedians of the past 20 years.
She was nice to him on Valentine's Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash.
Valentine's Day is the day when you remember that Cupid was a lousy shot.
Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
If you're into social justice it's hard not to be on black people's side.
Most men will go farther to give advice than to follow their own opinion.
Worrying about the future is a thing of the past. I don't think about it.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself-and possibly teh bogey man.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself... and, of course, the boogieman.
A couple of flop plays, a death in the family, and it could all collapse.
As unhealthy as I am, I'm weirdly aware of exactly how my body functions.
In my mind, I was always a comedian who was going to branch into writing.
I don't know grammar but I do know that I love playing games on my phone.
My father was adamant in his disapproval of my interest in show business.
I have nothing to do with racism in America; it was here when I got here.
People think you're crazy if you turn money down... people worship money.
Hollywood doesn't even have respect for itself. Hollywood lies to itself.
I have known Michael Richards for something like 20 years. We're friends.
Writing is such a solitary existence, and I can only do it late at night.
I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.
People should stop poking fun at other people and worry about themselves.
I want more stand-up comics in prime time. It's great for every comedian.
Joan Rivers, who said to Marcel Marceau, Can we talk? Never got a dinner!
Certain things should be yours to have when you work your way to the top.
When you're improvising, you're relying on this connection to creativity.
I was way into space and planes. I had loads of model planes and rockets.
Michael Jackson is what happens when you keep fixin' it until it's broke!