Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.
I'm dating a homeless woman. It was easier talking her into staying over.
I think I look great in green, and I'm going to start wearing more green.
I don't care what you do for a living. If you love it, you are a success.
Define your business goals clearly so that others can see them as you do.
I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.
Sex is the Universal Language in which nobody speaks; they don't have to.
Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.
Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.
If God didn't want you to masturbate, he would have given you short arms.
Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?
As powerful as anyone may claim God to be, somehow he always needs money.
The god excuse, the last refuge of a man with no answers and no argument.
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
I have a lot of things [in me] that are childlike and innocent and sweet.
People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.
Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend.
I wanted to be a brain surgeon, but I had a bad habit of dropping things.
I'm still trying to understand the wearing off high heels at the airport.
Stormy in love, stormy in interviews, breakfast in bed - that's me, love.
If you want to find guys with small penises, go to the Hummer dealership.
Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
There's a man outside with a big black mustache. - Tell him I've got one.
I never go to movies where the hero's tits are bigger than the heroine's.
I want to just at least make it weird for you to watch Cosby Show reruns.
A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.
If we take care of our mental health like our dental health; we'll be ok.
A lot of comedians are really funny onstage, but they can't do a podcast.
Whenever you're in any acting role you are mortgaging your own character.
I really hated fighting people and hurting them, but felt unable to stop.
Live stand-up is my thing. I love being on stage and just messing around.
The meek shall inherit the earth. They won't have the nerve to refuse it.
The Bible, I've said it before, is a beautifully written work of fiction.
Not that I was ever an asshole but I used to be much more of a bulldozer.
I was never the class clown, and I've no idea where the comedy came from.
If we go down in flames, we will be laughing on the way down, believe me.
George W. Bush loves golf because it's like the election--low score wins.
I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.
If you have more fish on your wall than pictures, you might be a redneck.
You might be a redneck if your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
You might be a redneck if your parakeet knows the phrase Open up, Police!
You might be a redneck if your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.
If you've ever made change in the offering plate, you might be a redneck.
Yeah, we were in the game, until Jesus made me fumble. He hates our team.
[Yoga] never calms me. Ever. But it certainly helps me prevent something.
Make film, shoot film, run film. Do something. Make film. Shoot anything.
I admire the hell out of her. You can't have sex with someone you admire.