Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
When you're running down the street on fire, people get out of your way!
One of my first office jobs was cleaning the windows on brown envelopes.
My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles
My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.
As a person... I'm a little more doubtful, introspective and analytical.
I am always hoping to do another CD. This atmosphere has been difficult.
I don't care if you think I'm racist. I just want you to think I'm thin.
90% of toys are made in china, which technically makes the chinese elves
I hadn't really done a comedy other than The Ape since Freaks and Geeks.
I did karate for a really long time, almost 10 years when I was younger.
The current Babe Ruth of improv? Sacha Baron Cohen. He's pretty amazing.
If I don't eat soon, I'll die of hunger; and if I die, I won't eat soon.
There's nothing worse than the British in one of their fits of morality.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
I just got this new camera. It's very advanced - you don't even need it.
You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.
I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don't.
One of the challenges of the church is to accept humanity for all it is.
I've been a good boy, I've never really been convicted of serious crime.
I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.
The town was so dull: one day the tide went out, and it never came back.
The only valid censorship of ideas is the right of people not to listen.
Donald Trump was appealing to a lot of people with his populist message.
Some songs can wait for years, and then - boom! and explode like a bomb.
Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
Remember, Lady Godiva put all she had on a horse and she lost her shirt!
Then you had people who wanted to get into comedy just to get a TV deal.
I really can't pinpoint the one moment when I said I want to be a comic.
I have a lot of breast cancer history on my mother's side of the family.
I want to thank Jesus, and by Jesus I mean Jesus Hernandez, my bodyguard
After the Soviet Union collapsed, people thought I wasn't funny anymore.
I've always been 'ethnic friend,' without any serious moments, all jokes.
Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.
I enjoyed writing for someone else's voice, but I wasn't very good at it.
I can't do Christopher Walken impressions anymore, thanks [Barack] Obama.
There is no more terrible fate for a comedian than to be taken seriously.
Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!
There is no labor a person does that is undignified; if they do it right.
Civilization had too many rules for me, so I did my best to rewrite them.
I think you need to make responsibility something that's not just a word.
Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers.
I have to follow my thoughts and mine for the gold. I have to dig it out.
A Hoyo de Monterrey double corona is my favourite Cuban since Desi Arnaz.
I don't spend my hours worrying how to slip a social message into my act.
Becoming critical in the face of criticism, only inspires more criticism.
I love stand up, but every year, the road takes a little more out of you.
Laughter makes the bitter swallowing of truth, for some, a little easier.
In fact, because people are religious, they think they can do bad things.