Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Never perform for your family. They either laugh too hard or not at all.
At Motel 6 in Amish Country I wonder if they leave the light on for you?
Comics don't usually have very long careers, and I'm 22 years into this.
You might be a redneck if you think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
Well, I grew up in the '80s, which was a really massive time for sci-fi.
If I could make crazy money just doing stand-up, that's what I would do.
I have a very solo career. I only write with people that I really adore.
Commercial television has underestimated the intelligence of the public.
People don't just bump into each other and have sex. This isn't Cinemax.
I actually bedazzled when I was younger. I totally did that to my jeans.
Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.
That's not to say that I'm a well-informed Catholic. I'm still in idiot.
Bacon is like the opposite of medicine. It's like, "Take that, Lipitor."
I do realise that when I laugh, it sounds like a seal is being molested.
If you want to make a dangerous man your friend, let him do you a favor.
All I care about is making jokes that are funny and making people laugh.
If you break 100, watch your golf. If you break 80, watch your business.
I'm British. I don't really have access to my emotions on a daily basis.
I drink iced coffee nearly every morning and many afternoons year-round.
The English like eccentrics. They just don't like them living next door.
Rodents can come across as being quite vacant in the personality stakes.
I really would have liked to love, but I didnt trust myself to allow it.
I bowled for two years in college, because I was drunk and needed shoes.
I've had a good run of birthdays, and now no one will notice when I die.
Blaming guns for killing people is like blaming pencils for bad spelling
Everyone has a family tree; the Dawsons have one, it's a weeping willow.
I like my friends because they make me feel normal, even though I'm not.
Azhar Usman is a true original and will laugh the hate right out of you.
Bill has three goldfish. He buys two more. How many dogs live in London?
Anytime you see a bit where some stranger does something to me, it's me.
The way I figure it, if you can't tell I'm high by looking at me, I win.
I went to college thinking of maybe pursuing a career in film criticism.
The one thing you're most reluctant to tell. That's where the comedy is.
When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off.
Ain't nothin' an ol' man can do but bring me a message from a young one.
If anyone's going to bring about mass extinction, it'll be Donald Trump.
I'm so glad I'm not in college anymore. I'm so glad I'm not having kids.
Imagine that, a poncho sombrero combo, I'll be off my tits on happiness.
A readiness to excuse some faults, shows a disposition to commit others.
The promises we break are usually such as we are most forward in making.
If Iowa is the 'heart' land, what part of the human body is Los Angeles?
People don't hassle me. It's always very friendly anywhere in the world.
My sisters said, Why do you make those faces? You make yourself so ugly.
I've decided that perhaps I'm bulimic and just keep forgetting to purge.
I live in a very dangerous part of Los Angeles? it's called Los Angeles.
In theater, they say a theater piece is only as good as its transitions.
When I was little, I met Ronald Reagan. I think I said something to him.
Women say they want a man who knows what a woman's worth. That's a pimp.
Louis Malle is maybe one of my favorite directors, but I love Tarantino.