Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Movies have takes. But plays are like life - you don't really get takes.
You don't get a rebate at the end of your life for living with an idiot.
Some people have constipation of the brain but their mouth has the runs.
I have new ideas every day, and I always want to take on new challenges.
Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.
Finding my dog's g spot is taking way longer than I would care to admit.
I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon.
High school is just like glee, a bunch of people dying of drug overdose.
I'm aware that I should end a joke with the good part, I choose not too.
I wish I had more hands, so I could give those titties four thumbs down!
You can't get unfamous. You can get infamous but you can't get unfamous.
I think bears and worms aren't very similar... until you think of gummy.
Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle.
A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either
As a creative person, you want to have a foothold and sense of progress.
Is it just me, or are the 49ers doing an awful lot of ass-patting today?
Eating liver out of a cow's body is like eating the filter out of a car.
I won't say I'm out of condition now - but I even puff going downstairs.
Now when I'm not working, I don't really hang out with the young comics.
Why do I even dare to think I could dream I could imagine I could hope?!
Cable cars are fun - everyone gets on board and becomes a rhesus monkey.
You know you're getting fat when you step on the dog's tail and he dies.
I'm playing all the right notes, just not necessarily in the right order
I'm playing all the right notes, but not necessarily in the right order.
Television: A medium. So called because it's neither rare nor well done.
I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.
I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
To a newspaperman, a human being is an item with skin wrapped around it.
An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.
I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening.
There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.
No one who has had "Taps" played for them has ever been able to hear it.
I just try to find targets I feel something about and express it my way.
I always have these little internal monologues. You'll get used to them.
It's a "keep your fingers crossed" business, the entertainment business.
There is no real security except for whatever you build inside yourself.
I grew up in front of a television. I guess I'll grow old inside of one.
I can't talk to a man who bears an undeserved animosity towards ferrets.
Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!
I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down
How much would you want to stand at the wrong end of a shooting gallery?
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
This would be a better place for children if parents had to eat spinach.
Hey, when I said work fast, I didn't mean your friend, I meant the maid.
I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?
His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.
One of my friends went on a murder weekend, now he is doing life for it.
Hillary Clinton's life has been filled with corruption but nobody cares.
A Christmas tree--the perfect gift for a guy. The plant is already dead.
It's not called cocaine any more. It's now referred to as Crack Classic.