Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Being a lesbian is only about the 47th most interesting thing about me.
It’s an incredibly exciting thing, this one, meaningless life of yours.
Simplicity. Simplicity. Simplicity. The three keys to a spiritual life.
They just wanted to show the entertainment world that we're vulnerable.
What is the difference between a Nazi and a dog?The Nazi lifts his arm.
I only know two pieces; one is 'Clair de Lune' and the other one isn't.
My personal favorite is Woody Allen, who is just amazing as a comedian.
I don't drink anymore, on the other hand I don't drink any less either.
The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother.
Marriage is better than leprosy only because it's easier to get rid of.
Whether you have a show or not, you can still be somewhere being funny.
I don't like doing the same material over and over again. It's not fun.
I want to be more myself. Sometimes it takes awhile to find your voice.
The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear!
He doesn't sound like a guy who's done a onesome, let alone a threesome.
When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something.
Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.
I hate getting ill, it irritates me so I try to stay reasonably healthy.
Fatherhood is helping your children learn English as a foreign language.
There are two sides to every story, and sometimes three, four, and five.
What we feed our mind becomes the material with which we build our life.
Problems occur when we tie our peace of mind to another's state of mind.
You never want to tie your responsibility to another's irresponsibility.
We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.
I need my sleep. I need about eight hours a day, and about ten at night.
I wouldn't give Satan a snowball's chance in Hell against a woman's ego.
Would you let the aliens land, please? They might be here to pick me up.
To make marijuana against the law is like saying God made a big mistake.
Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don't need.
You're not a patriot unless even when you lose, it's still your country.
If we were a dog and God owned us, the cops would come and take us away.
Kids. They're not easy, but there has to be some penalty for having sex.
Clinton left the White House with all the class of an XFL halftime show.
I don't do heroin myself, but it's done wonders for my music collection.
If you want to lose a bit of weight, don't eat anything out of a bucket.
I can tell when somebody recognizes me, and I try to avoid those people.
I think New Yorkers - they're media savvy. People have a sense of humor.
We need to take a breath and find big ways and small ways to get active.
The menu of my mother consisted of only two choices: Leave it or take it
I'm not white, I don't apologize for what my country did to become great
When the comedy community turned on me, I had a lot of reflecting to do.
I've got big feet, so filling someone else's big shoes doesn't scare me.
If women ruled the world and we all got massages, there would be no war.
When I told my friends I was going to be a comedian, they laughed at me.
The blessing is that everyone knows who I am because of the commercials.
We've got stained glass windows in our house; it's those damned pigeons.
The worst day ever was when I found out my grandfather was going to die.
Tomorrow is more sure than just about anything else in the entire world.
School shootings were invented by blacks... and stolen by the white man.
Comedians are the one who have to tell the emperor he has no clothes on.