Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Radio is called a medium because it is rare that anything is well done.
If you were married to Marilyn Monroe, you'd cheat with some ugly girl.
What do dogs do on their day off?; Can't lie around – that's their job!
If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.
And now gay people want to get married... Haven't they suffered enough?
Know my feelings about traffic laws? Cop didn't see it? I didn't do it.
If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
The Christians are coming to get you, and they are not pleasant people.
The ritual was very important to me: cleaning the pot, rolling the pot.
We don't deliberately set out to offend. Unless we feel it's justified.
WHAT is your name? WHAT is your quest? and WHAT is your favorite color?
Somebody stole my identity. Good luck using it without the medications.
The only game I like to play is "Old Maid", providing she's not too old
I came here for a party and what do I get? Nothing. Not even Ice cream.
'SNL' is the first real job I've held for more than a month and a half.
In 1944 James Arthur and Minnie Susan were added to the Marx household.
I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.
There's no skill. You can be a rock and move into another cash bracket.
Both are salty, one will give me carpal tunnel, I'll go with the fries.
There's only five real people in Hollywood. Everyone else is Mel Blanc.
Some drink to forget, some drink to remember-me, I drink to get bagged.
You know what I'm doing for Easter? I'm gonna be hanging with my Peeps.
I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.
You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
You might be a redneck if the UFO hotline limits you to one call a day.
You might be a redneck if people hear your car long before they see it.
You might be a redneck if your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
I'm actively going out onto the porch and noodling around on my guitar.
I have no interest in saying "This is who I am! This is what I'm like!"
I know the new comedy god is surrealism, but it doesn't touch my heart.
When I'm working, I stay in ICU in any hospital that will get me a bed.
Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game.
Having fun is a very particular skill. And not everyone has that skill.
Hollywood never knew there was a Vietnam War until they made the movie.
That's an interesting accent you got there. Are you from stroke-victim?
I think people like to label everything. I just think it's comfortable.
I get away with 10 times more on 'Leno' than I would on any other show.
I have cowlicks, so my hair has always been a source of torture for me.
Sometimes I go into my own little world. It's okay, they know me there.
News is not a game show. You don't win a car if you happen to be right.
I find it hard in my general life to think further than the week ahead.
I want to do an intelligent talk show where you have room to breathe...
Rodents can come across as being quite vacant in the personality stakes
I am an undisputed gangster. To me, that means playing by my own rules.
He comes back with the script, and it's racist like a 1940's Newspaper.
I don't know why people get so bent out of shape over stuff people say.
If it weren’t for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college.
Nebraska is proof that hell is full and the dead are walking the earth.
I'm the worst ad anyone could possibly be for abstaining from anything.
So Carol, you're a housewife and mother. And have you got any children?