Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Our children are trying to tell us something. And we are not listening.
When 'Being Rushed' is the problem . . . Rushing is never the solution.
Watching television is like taking black spray paint to your third eye.
We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.
Don't say a woman is crazy just because she runs away from her wedding.
I’m actually pale blue: it takes me a week of sunbathing to turn white.
Middle age is when you still believe you'll feel better in the morning.
The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.
Welcome to the Academy Awards, or, as it's known at my house, Passover.
Our first stop was red square, the heart of Moscow - if Moscow has one.
A very, very religious man. Every time I eat a peanut, I feel immortal.
I could never be a lesbian because I have a really good sense of humor.
It's easy to struggle in New York. I think New York is a bit expensive.
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.
I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.
Let's all help each other be a little bit better at being human beings.
I'm into politics, and I love watching the heavier news magazine shows.
I'm really into the human interest thing. I really like regular people.
All preconceptions when you laugh go out the window. Laughter kills it.
Everything's funny - in the right context and done by the right person.
You rarely hear anyone use the word pancreas in a not-horrible context.
And for my family, comedically, that was the key to a lot of the humor.
I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late.
Twitter is not a good place for people who feel they're being followed.
I was home educated but would skip my lessons to go hang out at school.
I think beating someone to death with a ukulele would just sound funny.
That MySpace is the story of the year. Everyone but my mother is on it.
People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.
Technically it's not premarital sex if you don't plan on marrying them.
If it weren't for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders.
When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me.
A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.
Nothing is going to stop Mike Tyson that doesn't have a motor attached.
I was the kind of person who got bullied and loved the attention of it.
One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, 'That makes sense.'
I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks.
Sometimes I like to go outside without even checking the weather first.
One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.
He lasted about as long as the dessert tray at Rosie O'Donnell's house.
I never learned hate at home, or shame. I had to go to school for that.
I cannot tell a joke. But I can do a situation, that it becomes a joke.
You achieve the surreal jokes through the realism by making it elastic.
Every radish I ever pulled up seemed to have a mortgage attached to it.
If I were Achilles I would put my foot in a f**k off block of concrete!
Comedy is a great weapon of attack. It's not a great weapon of support.
The dreadful thing about getting older is you cry at the drop of a hat.
On a scale of one to ten, how punk am I? Apple. I don't use your scale.
I can kill a dog in six ways. Five of them are throwing missiles at it.
I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer.
Congratulations you're 18!... On a list of 20 people I'm going to kill.