Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Get a good dog. We have not picked up food in the kitchen in 15 years.
I think what people respond to is someone being who they actually are.
Jacques Cousteau, the last man to see Jimmy Hoffa. Never got a dinner!
While in a crowded underground carriage, scream 'It's happening again!
Crosses only scare vampires away because they're allergic to bullshit.
I was a loner and never hung out with anyone. I never had any friends.
He's just always positive. He's always smiling and he's always trying.
If you ask me about women's lib, I say I don't even know what that is.
I always knew I was gay. I always knew that somehow it would work out.
The great thing about being an artist is, we want our work to be seen.
I never panic when I get lost. I just change where it is I want to go.
An amicable divorce is like a ventilated condom; it just doesn't work.
My new dress. Do you like it? It's from my favorite designer, On Sale.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.
I don't think it negates your skills as a parent if you're homosexual.
It is better to give blood but receive cash than the other way around.
My father came to England from India in 1957, and my mum came in 1960.
But I think you can make fun of anything as long as it's funny enough.
Scotland had oil, but it's running out thanks to all that deep frying.
I prefer audiences away from London because they're more appreciative.
I'm not afraid of dying I just don't want to be there when it happens.
I have resigned from the human race. Look at the way we treat animals.
I have always felt like a loved, valued and equal member of my family.
It's now very common to hear people say 'I'm rather offended by that'.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
I'm very grateful to my adoptive family. My mother sorted my life out.
I have only really been able to ever intuit my sexuality through love.
Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they're going to respect Mom.
Anytime you work with animals, you begin to see more humanity in them.
I stayed a virgin until I was 23. I didn't do drugs or drink or smoke.
I have a funny family, but none of them are remotely in show business.
Good evening, America. I'm a woman, and welcome to The Late Late Show.
You have to believe in yourself in spite of what other people believe.
You've got to vote for someone. It's a shame, but it's got to be done.
When I get real excited, my muscles go into spasm, so they just shake.
Oprah tells women what to read, what to eat, what to think, what to do.
After 'Pitch Perfect,' I only want to be in sequels. No. 2 of whatever.
Valentine's Day was created by the greeting card industry to get pussy.
You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails.
Larry King is so old, he's actually one of the Jews that killed Christ.
I enjoyed writing for someone elses voice, but I wasnt very good at it.
Glamour comes from within. My beauty regime begins with my personality.
Talking of white supremacist violent types, I was in America, recently.
Being a comedian is an incredible thing, but it can be scary sometimes.
It's painful, but we can't heal ourselves unless we cleanse the wounds.