Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Soup is probably a way associated with screwing you outside of a meal.
I think there's one more thing Perry can forget, too: Being president.
My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.
You might be a redneck if your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.
The worst kind of idiot is the one who doesn't think they're an idiot.
I think March and fall are natural seasons for me to feel invigorated.
I don't have anything to do all year. I'm not on tour until September.
Writer's block is a phony, made up, BS excuse for not doing your work.
When you interrupt, you've stopped listening. People need to be heard.
There's more to life than making shallow, fairly obvious observations.
Cry when you get a Golden Globe. Then you can get an Oscar nomination.
I'm there to make people laugh. I'm not trying to come across as sexy.
The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it.
For the record, I hate skiing... and if you get killed doing it, GOOD.
If you have a dream, just lie about it. Lie your way unto your dreams.
British people would die for their right to drink themselves to death.
How much blow can Charlie Sheen do? Enough to kill two and a half men.
I don't get starstruck by Hollywood celebrities as I'm not into films.
The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.
If you can take the hot lead enema, then you can cast the first stone.
Once you sleep on feathers you can't go back to sleeping on the floor.
You can't just run out and start the car until some cat invents a car.
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned.
The second you realize you're not alienated, that makes you empowered.
We were on welfare when we were kids. Thanks for reminding me of that.
I grew up in a generation that had exponential technological advances.
I take my coffee like I take my women... strong... black... and proud.
Shuffling really isn't something you should be doing on your deathbed.
The human race should just slow down and think about what it is doing.
I didn't realize how good I was with computers until I met my parents.
If you tried to sell Mike Birbiglia as a concept, no one would buy it.
Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side?
I never stole a joke in my life. I just find them before they're lost.
I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.
Remember when you had your face lifted... and the guy brought it back.
Marriage is like a hot bath; once you get used to it, it ain't so hot.
Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.
I use mother-in-law jokes, kid jokes, tax jokes - anything that works.
It is vain to complain of fortune while we fail in policy and conduct.
Envy, like a false mirror, distorts the symmetry of the sweetest form.
I never do impressions, but I probably should. People like that stuff.
I'm an amused observer. I don't bet or gamble; that's the worst thing.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself...and of course the boogieman.
If you're old enough to be arrested, you're old enough to carry a gun.
I think right now is the best time for stand-up, ever. I sincerely do.
I'm not a super adventurous eater and I try to make myself try things.
I only work every couple of years. I go into retirement between films.
Majority doesn't rule. One person can change the history of the world.
Robin Williams learned technique. He has the technique of being funny.