Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Managing wildlife? It's wild! It don't need managing, leave it alone.
The fumes are killing us, and we wonder why things are going haywire.
If you quit being cunty, the whole world will stop being against you.
I'm so glad Courtney Love is here; I left my crack in my other purse.
I'm personally not into a guy who wears pedal pushers and a necklace.
I'm lucky a couple of filmmakers have seen beyond what you're saying.
I believe it is important for comedians to know who came before them.
Sometimes my husband has to literally pull me away from the computer.
Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.
Listen, someone's screaming in agony- fortunately I speak it fluently
Thankfully, we didn't stop at Malta. I think Malta was thankful, too.
I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!
I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
You'll get them tomorrow. You gave it a good shot. Keep your chin up.
I know it sounds odd, but I want to make a Rolex-quality screwdriver.
If more people were stoned there would be less violence in the world.
Jail was probably the most exciting thing that's ever happened to me.
And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas.
I remember going to church about four times a week. I liked it a lot.
I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
It's easier to rip somebody to shreds while you're making them laugh.
I go running when I have to. When the ice cream truck is doing sixty.
I'm glad Reagan is president. Of course, I'm a professional comedian.
You want the world to be set up for you, but sometimes it just isn't.
It's funny when you're a kid how you can acclimate to almost anything.
Speaking of sleeping bags, has anything ever had a less creative name?
I have no connection with Hollywood. I'm not interested. I don't care.
I'm sick of women telling other women what men want them to look like.
You're entering dangerous land when you start theorising about comedy.
Most of my friends are women - I quite fancied being a woman in a way.
Privacy isn't dead, although it is fashionable for digerati to say so.
Stereotypes wouldn't be so bad if black people were nicer, in general.
I don't ever want to have kids of my own. But I do want a lot of kids.
Acting in a stage play is like working the evening shift in an office.
I live a pretty sedentary life, usually. I'm not an action man at all.
Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.
Live everyday as though it's your last 'cause one day you'll be right.
Do not crush the flowers of wisdom with the hobnail boots of cynicism.
Doing comedy around the world is a way of finding out how people tick.
The most important educational vehicle in all life is a parent figure.
I was'nt always black. there was this freckel that just grew and grew.
I've got a Ferrari. VROOM! I do 104 from the garage to the front door.
There is no job a man can do that is undignified - if he does it well.
Sarah Palin should not be on vacation. She should be in summer school.
Talk to women who've ever dated an Arab man. The results are not good.
Why are the patriots the ones who don't want to spend money on trains?
It's my mind, and I reserve the right to change it as often as I like.
I'd really love to make something that doesn't involve my stupid face.