Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I have more pictures of my children than my father ever looked at me.
I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a panda.
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
You really have to know who you are. It takes, uh it's not that easy.
I want to do an intelligent talk show where you have room to breathe.
The Kardashian family have earned their place as an American dynasty.
Very specifically, Nickelodeon is aimed at eight- and nine-year-olds.
I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.
I watch some CNN and a lot of Fox, because it helps me get irritated.
When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.
Some entertainers don't pay attention to what's going on around them.
Politics has less to do with where you live than where your heart is.
But in the UK, I've given up any hope of being considered a director.
Night falls over Machu Picchu to the sound of Abba's 'Dancing Queen'.
Comedy is tragedy plus time, but the time is different for everybody.
A girl offered me E at the club. 'Have you ever done E?' 'I watch E.'
My family isn't really Italian. We're more like Olive Garden Italian.
Yeah, I don't mess with chicks younger. They got to be almost thirty.
My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother.
I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are not blocking a fire exit.
Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having.
Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.
When people write comedy from neutrality, it just gets kind of silly.
Our country's social revolution lends itself to jokes and I use them.
The tie's a multi purpose accessory, y'know, belt, school boy, Rambo.
That's the authentic punk dance. It's like a child dizzy on lemonade.
I'd like to punch out a really old lady. There'd be no repercussions.
I don't do the same show twice. I've never done a show word for word.
'Crocodile Dundee' is about people; it's 10 seconds about crocodiles.
My body may have been abused, but it certainly hasn't been neglected.
A goat's a goat. Whether you sauté or barbeque it, it's still a goat.
I liked Evel Knievel, and that game Mouse Trap. That was pretty cool.
There's a lot of people out there who didn't like my style of comedy.
I wouldn't want my comedy show to hurt anybody. I'm not Donald Trump.
E.T., who said to Phyllis Diller, You look weird. Never got a dinner!
Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Hey! Leave the door open will ya? The flies haven't been out all day.
I don't have a 10-octave range. No human being has a 10-octave range.
Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.
On my tombstone it will say: 'I tried everything - nothing was easy.'
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.
When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'
I'm sure I will cause tremendous seismic shifts in the culture again.
I know I'm a really good mother. I know it. I'm a really good mother.
I've told so many lies about my age I don't know how old I am myself.
As a person I'm a little more doubtful, introspective and analytical.