Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I believe there is a direct correlation between love and laughter.
In the dark times, if you have something to hold on to, which is yourself, you'll survive.
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read"
Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
When I want to end a relationship I just say, 'You know, I love you. I want to marry you. I want to have your children.' Sometimes they leave skid marks.
Noel Coward said work is more fun than fun, but then he didn't work in the Bird's Eye factory packing frozen fish fingers nine hours a day, did he?
I feel now it's useless to keep hoping. The way things are today, we live in a world that needs laughter, and I've decided if I can make people laugh, I'm making a more important contribution.
My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.
If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
Once the travel bug bites there is no known antidote, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life
If your ship doesn't come in, swim out to it.
Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you've met your New Year's resolution.
Dance is about movement and can be an art, but it's also about communication - with yourself, as much as with other people.
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
I don't fly on account of my religion. I'm a devout coward.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
Everyone smiles in the same language.
Life is a zero sum game.
Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn't show up on x-rays, but you know it's there.
I guess in general, people tend to not eat the cute animals.
I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me.
Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.
When one door closes another door opens. Usually a refrigerator.
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!
Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.
I always compare marriage to communism. They're both institutions that don't conform to human nature, so you're going to end up with lying and hypocrisy.
How do I know the Bible isn't the word of God? Well if it was the word of God it would be clear and easy to understand...considering God was the creator of LANGUAGE!
In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure.
Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice.
I love Ohio.
Employ empathy.
I love animals.
I like fantasy.
I love tweeting.
How sweet it is!
I am quite girly.
I dream in color.
Red is uplifting.
Money is sensual.
I saved my money.
I am an extremist.
I grew up Mexican.
I'm sour at times.
I told jokes badly.
