Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Look on the bright side; that's one bullet that's not going to hit me.
That image is a couple different people's homes that I knew growing up.
They don't know I'm staring, what does it matter if I keep on doing it?
I have a great relationship with my parents. I have not been on lithium.
Minutes to learn, a lifetime to master. People just don't understand that
You want to know the secret of my success? Let me tell you about eugenics.
I mean, so what if it's a little dangerous? A one-armed kid is comedy gold.
I don't want to blame it all on 9/11, but it certainly didn't help matters.
I heard about the Dalai Lama, you know and I thought to myself, why not me?
Sometimes I regret not being Catholic. I think I'd make a pretty good saint.
Some people just can't handle that they will never be a better actor than me
Sometimes you just gotta use what God gave you to the best of your abilities.
When I was little I always wanted to drive a train. That, and become a baker.
I really do take more vacations than the president. You can quote me on that.
I always encourage over-tipping if you can afford it because share the wealth.
If God wanted women to be treated equally to men, he'd have given them penises.
The only women I publicly date are those who have a higher IMDB rating than me.
Everyone has a warped vision of Hollywood and what success in Hollywood is like.
I always encourage over-tipping if you can afford it because... share the wealth.
I'm not the kind of person who digs through things other people have thrown away.
That cyclone in Burma? That was just me doing the dance to that annoying ass song.
I went to film school and wanted to learn everything there was about making movies.
I'm not lazy, I drive everywhere myself, the dog could've learned something from me.
I think the Bible should be re-written for today's society. We can call it 'Scrubs.'
I could be one if I wanted to, I'm just way too overqualified for a job that simple.
Put God and me in a cage, what do you think who will win. God, because I created him.
Well, you need to have at least one black friend, otherwise people think you're racist
If a benevolent God exists, so does reincarnation. He wouldn't send me here just once.
I don't mind it if blacks want equal rights, as long as they mean rights equal to a dog
Its not that I'm in love with myself, I'm just trying to pick up everyone else's slack.
Somebody approached me about writing a biography on me, I told them they were too late.
I love the holiday season, almost as much as I love touching myself in front of orphans.
I blame Walt Disney; well he has to find voice actors better than me somehow doesn't he?
I'm not saying I hate Jews, I'm just saying that I think they shouldn't be alive any more.
There is one person I can think of better than me. And that's Zach Braff. What a cool guy.
When you win your first Grammy, it's true, you really want to thank all the little people.
Oh sure, I have a few black people in my family tree. They're probably still hanging there.
I mean, personally, I would have had no problem surviving. Come on, how hard is it to swim?
People have called me fake, but personally, I don't think I'm fake because I'm so insincere.
Let's face it, it's only called Scrubs because I'm saving 'Zach Braff' for my autobiography.
Turning water to wine? I mean c'mon, that's stupid. They should have let me write the bible.
Sure, they are the future of our world. Nike and Reebok need more factory workers every day.
Every single person wants to do it, don't hate me because I had the guts to follow my heart!
There's a lot of gray area in the law. Who can say, without a doubt, that I was in the wrong?
I don't think it's that bad, I mean, I love people following me around and helping me do stuff.
I was excited about The Dark Knight until Heath Ledger gave away the ending, Batman always wins.
Maybe that's all that family really is, a group of people who all miss the same imaginary place.
I just don't see how anyone can hate America. I mean, crap, I live there. What more do you need?
I like hot dogs. I like eggplant. I like pizza and creamed corn and beer. But I don't like Arabs.
Actually, I stopped looking at myself in the mirror years ago. I wasn't making it to work on time.