Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I don't believe in an afterlife, but I'm taking an extra pair of underwear just in case.
I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .
I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
The difference between sex and death is, death you can do alone and nobody laughs at you.
I've always liked, someday the lamb will lay by the lion.... but it won't get much sleep.
Many people who get a lot of money are willing to work with me for no money. This is true.
There are three things Jewish people worship-God, Chinese food and wall-to-wall carpeting.
Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.
Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.
All my life is passing in front of my eyes. The worst part of it is I'm driving a used car.
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
Arlene and I have to get a divorce. She thinks I'm a pervert because I drank our water bed.
I've often felt that life is a hard deal and it's unrelentingly tragic and an uphill fight.
I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving dishes for Chinese restaurants.
How am I immature? Intellectually, emotionally, and sexually. Yeah, but in what other ways?
Manute Bol is so skinny they save money on road trips. They just fax him from city to city.
If you are not failing now and again, its a sign you are not doing anything very innovative
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
That’s one of the nice things about writing, or any art; if the thing’s real, it just lives.
I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in braille. I used to rub the dirty parts.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
Life is short. Short, and not about anything except what you can touch and what touches you.
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
I don't like theatrical actors and actresses. I like people that talk like real human beings.
If 90% of success in life is showing up, the other 10% depends on what you're showing up for.
Standing in a garage no more makes you a car than standing in a church makes you a Christian.
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
I wish I could think of a positive point to leave you with. Will you take two negative points?
I have one last request. Don't use embalming fluid on me; I want to be stuffed with crab meat.
Basically I am a low-culture person. I prefer watching baseball with a beer and some meatballs.
Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat...college.
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
If you don't have fun doing the film, then the results of the film will never give you any fun.
I love baseball. You know, it doesn’t have to mean anything. It’s just very beautiful to watch.
I was in analysis for years because of a traumatic childhood; I was breast-fed through falsies.
You'll find as you go through life that great depth and smoldering sensuality don't always win.
Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs.
I keep wondering if there is an afterlife, and if there is will they be able to break a twenty?
Can you believe that? She says I'm not leader enough for her. Who was she looking for... Hitler?
Someday the lion is going to lie down with the lamb, but the lamb isn't going to get much sleep.
I've gained no wisdom, no insight, no mellowing. I would make all the same mistakes again, today.
I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker Brothers and they are going to make a game out of it.
If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
When I am in New York, I want to be in Europe, and when I am in Europe, I want to be in New York.
I've had bad luck in my two previous marriages. The first wife left me, and the second did not.
My films are a form of psychoanalysis, except that it is I who am paid, which changes everything.