Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Asking Europe to disarm is like asking a man in Chicago to give up his life insurance.
They call it the Latin Quarter because nobody there is Latin and nobody has a quarter.
I never met a man I didn't get a kind of strange and exciting tingling sensation from.
There isn't any finer folks living than a Republican that votes the Democratic ticket.
In time of crisis people want to know that you care, more than they care what you know
We don't give our criminals much punishment, but we sure give 'em plenty of publicity.
A conference is just an admission that you want somebody to join you in your troubles.
Golf is good for the soul. You get so mad at yourself you forget to hate your enemies.
It is awful hard to get people interested in corruption unless they can get some of it.
If you want to know how a man stands, go among the people who are in his same business.
I'm not so much interested in the return ON my money as I am in the return OF my money.
Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.
When you get into trouble 5,000 miles from home, you've got to have been looking for it.
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
Everyone wants to vote for the best and most qualified man, but he never runs for office.
Ten men in our country could buy the whole world and ten million can't buy enough to eat.
Politics is not worrying this country one-tenth as much as where to find a parking space.
We have killed more people celebrating our independence day than we lost fighting for it.
When the Oakies left Oklahoma and moved to California, it raised the I.Q. of both states.
You shouldn't say anything mean about people who can't read. You should write it instead.
One-third of the people in the United States promote, while the other two-thirds provide.
I have Indian Blood in me. I have just enough white blood for you to question my honesty!
If all politicians fished instead of spoke publicly, we would be at peace with the world.
I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.
Where I come from, they won't let me play with this rope. They think I might hurt myself.
Ignorance lies not in the things you don't know, but in the things you know that ain't so.
I have always noticed that people will never laugh at anything that is not based on truth.
Let Wall Street have a nightmare and the whole country has to help them back to bed again.
In Washington, one man could do what ten of them do. Things kinder run themselves, anyhow.
I guess truth can hurt you worse in an election than about anything that can happen to you.
It looks to me like any man that wants to be President in times like these lacks something.
Outside of traffic, there is nothing that has held this country back as much as committees.
The problem ain't what people know. It's what people know that ain't so that's the problem.
An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.
We elect our Presidents, be they Republican or Democrat, then start daring 'em to make good.
We are the first nation in the history of the world to go to the poorhouse in an automobile.
We can't all be heroes, because somebody has to sit on the curb and applaud when they go by.
Fanatical religion driven to a certain point is almost as bad as none at all, but not quite.
There is a hundred things to single you out for promotion in party politics besides ability.
You've got to be (an) optimist to be a Democrat, and you've got to be a humorist to stay one
We will never have true civilization until we have learned to recognize the rights of others.
I hope we never live to see the day when a thing is as bad as some of our newspapers make it.
Political elections are a good deal like marriages, there's no accounting for anyone's taste.
Some guy invented Vitamin A out of a carrot. I'll bet he can't invent a good meal out of one.
Any person that don't read at least one well-written country newspaper is not truly informed.
Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.
Hurray! Congress is to adjourn! Only four more days of Congressional burglary on the Treasury!
Farmers have about given up hope of getting farm relief and have decided to fertilize instead.
You have to have a serious streak in you, or you can't see the funny side of the other fellow.
When you are satisfied, you are successful. For that's all there is to success is satisfaction.