Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Some government workers are dedicated and work hard, but most of them are just waiting to retire.
With a black president, I can relax... I can dance in public... I can buy a whole watermelon now.
You know the economy is bad when illegals start complaining that Americans are taking their jobs.
Usually, there's nothing being thrown toward the stage or at me. Then I feel pretty good about it.
It seems like when I first started, people got into comedy because they wanted to be good comedians.
But sometimes the women writers will pitch something and I'll hear it, but the men will keep talking.
My worlds collide. When one things happens, it just starts a domino effect - everything else goes on.
I work hard. The staff and crew see how much energy I put into this project, and it makes them step up.
Seriously, I don't need a gun. I'm easily annoyed. I would shoot people in my house that I invited over.
The first time onstage, a light went on. 'OK, this is my thing. I'm comfortable here. This is my thing.'
I have a very diverse crowd from old, young, black, white, straight, gay. It's a little bit of everybody.
I don't like the saying keep your friends close and enemies closer. I want my enemy on a different planet.
I enjoy stand-up because it has the biggest reward: instant gratification. You can hear the people laughing.
I knew something was wrong with the economy when the shampoo girl at my salon closed on a six bedroom house.
All these teenagers tell us how much they want to grow up and then when they do they want to be young again.
I have a sidekick, Keith Robinson, who's very funny. I've known Keith for over 20 years; he's my best friend.
I think sometimes celebrities can hurt a candidate. You don't want people to judge them on your last project.
Once you start making money, you can be an ass. But I am not an ass. I'm too lazy, that takes a lot of energy.
Don't bother me while I'm eating, or when I'm coming out of the crackhouse or something. Just let me get going.
I couldn't believe that Donald Trump won. I couldn't believe that we elected an orangutan to front the country.
L.A. is nothing but a bunch of driving, and I hate all that damn driving 'cause it interferes with my drinking.
My voice is distinctive: there's a rhythm to it, and also, it's funny. I was just blessed with a funny-sounding voice.
It's not until you develop your own voice, your own persona onstage that you become your own comic, who you really are.
I sat down and wrote some jokes and went to the talent show, got up on stage, fell in love with it and never turned back.
We never hid anything from the kids. I feel whole again, I really do. I've told them, 'Mommy's boo-boo is much better now.'
I was working at the NSA. I don't know, I was just bored. I just knew that's not what I was supposed to be doing with my life.
I hate when women compare men to dogs. Men are not dogs. Dogs are loyal. I've never found any strange panties in my dog's house.
I guess because of my act, people think that I say things they want to say, and that they can just come up and say anything to me.
We got to stop doing that, ladies. You know, men are dogs. Men are dogs. We got to stop it. Men are not dogs. Uh-uh. Dogs are loyal.
What gets me is when celebrities aren't allowed to have an opinion on anything political. There's the whole 'Shut up and sing' thing.
Lot Of Strip Clubs in Florida... Good grief... Florida has so many strip clubs, they need to change their state flag to a brass pole.
I'm like, If you do something dumb, I'll write about it. If you put something out there, to me it's like you're kind of asking for it.
I remember, when I was a kid, my summers were pretty much running around, riding your bike, and then complaining about you were bored.
I watch Jay. I watch 'Letterman'. I flip back and forth between 'Conan' and 'Letterman', especially the top of the show for those guys.
Being gay is harder than being black. I didn't have to come out black. I didn't have to tell my parents about what its like to be black.
My neighbor, she invited me to an Elvis party. I told her I couldn't come 'cause I'd be too busy making fun of her from behind my blinds.
When I am outside at night by myself every person turns into a pedophile. So I tend to walk a little faster than usual and then I sprint.
If you feel like there's something out there that you're supposed to be doing, if you have a passion for it, then stop wishing and just do it.
But I think funny and talent will always win out; I mean, of course there are hurdles, but I think if you're funny you will get over all of that.
But I understand that relationship; I understand how the mother-in-law, daughter-in-law relationship has so many conflicts because it's so forced.
There are just so many more laws and rules that apply with marriage that do not come with domestic partnership and also to me it's the commitment.
I'm a black, gay woman. I think the only way to make the GOP hate me more is if I sent them a video of me rolling around on a pile of welfare checks.
I was really gifted at being able to construct a joke, but it's like they weren't even memorable, my first jokes, because they were so about nothing.
You can't make a woman happy. That's like trying to cure a fatal disease. The goal is to treat the symptoms so you can comfortably live with the illness.
To me, political office should be like jury duty. You should just get a notice in the mail one day and say, 'Aw, sh - , I'm secretary of state next month.
The government shouldn't be involved in this because it's very simple. If you don't believe in same-sex marriage, then don't marry somebody of the same sex.
I had top-secret clearance and everything. I was working on a couple of projects that would keep me involved in Desert Storm. I was in the mix, which is scary.
I always had one goal, and that was to be a real funny stand-up comic, and that's pretty much what I'm doing. And everything else is kind of like gravy - TV, movies.
It wasn't until I became more confident with myself and I put myself forward instead of the jokes; at first it was put the jokes out there and I'm just behind the jokes.
My shows and my material are grounded in reality. It's pretty much something that's either happened in my life or in the news, and I start there and give you my take on it.