Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
I'm looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.).
It's a funny old world. A man's lucky if he gets out of it alive.
Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
First prize was a week in Philadelphia. Second prize was two weeks.
Yes I do like children ... Girl children...about eighteen or twenty.
I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
Marriage is better than leprosy only because it's easier to get rid of.
I don't drink anymore, on the other hand I don't drink any less either.
The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother.
Remember, Lady Godiva put all she had on a horse and she lost her shirt!
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
Sex isn't necessary. You don't die without it, but you can die having it.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
Oh, insomnia! Ah, well, I know a good cure for it... Get plenty of sleep.
There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything.
Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
I've been drunk only once in my life. But that lasted for twenty-three years.
I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck
Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar.
I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night.
Hollywood is the gold cap on a tooth that should have been pulled out years ago.
I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.
Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.
There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.
I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.
This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.
It's what you do that counts and not what you say; therefore I fired my press agent.
It's quite true I'm not drinking anymore; however, I'm not drinking any less either.
I only drink to steady my nerves... sometimes I'm so steady I don't move for months.
Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.
Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.
I ad lib most of my dialogue. If I did remember my lines, it would be too bad for me.
If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.
Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.
I didn't say the meat was tough. I said I didn't see the horse that is usually outside.
Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.
Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.
When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.
I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.
The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.