Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.
Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.
I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost 3 days already.
I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure
I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure.
I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.
I'm on a whisky diet... last week, I lost three days!
I've got a wife who never misses me. Her aim is perfect!
Last night I slept like a log. I woke up in the fire place.
I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.
I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.
I haven't got an ad lib for people throwing bread rolls at my hat.
A man walks into a bar, and he said OUCH, cause it was an iron bar.
And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas.
The town was so dull: one day the tide went out, and it never came back.
I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.
Gambling has brought our family together. We had to move to a smaller house.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
A friend of mine drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
My wife had a bad habit of biting her nails, but I cured her. I hid her teeth.
Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!
I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."
Two cannibals eating a clown. One asks the other, 'Does this taste funny to you?'
I bought some pork chops and told the butcher to make them lean. He said, 'Which way?'
Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.
I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.” “Well you can't say fairer than that then
A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
I'm recovering from a cold. I'm so full of penicillin that, if I sneeze, I'll cure someone.
My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.
It doesn't matter how many times the audience has heard it before. If it's funny, it's funny.
I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
I always sit in the tail end of a plane, always. You never hear of an plane backing into a mountain.
So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?"
My wife said, 'Take me in your arms and whisper something soft and sweet.' I said, 'chocolate fudge.'
Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.
I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.
I always sit in the back of a plane. It's much safer. You never hear of a plane backing into a mountain!
They always say start at the bottom if you want to learn something. But suppose you want to learn to swim?
So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
My wife had a go at me last night. She said, Youll drive me to my grave. I had the car out in thirty seconds.
A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.
A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.
So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
Electricity is a wonderful thing. Do you realise that if we didn't have electricity, we'd be watching television by candle light?
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.