Tim Vine Quotes - Page 1

Grid View List View
Quote of the DayPicture QuotesTop 100 Inspirational QuotesTop 100 Love QuotesTop 100 Happiness Quotes
Marcus AureliusKobe BryantDwight D. EisenhowerBob MarleyBarack ObamaStephen HawkingPeter DruckerDalai LamaDeepak ChopraOprah Winfrey
CuteTimeCoolAloneSmileArchitectureOld SchoolSadDepressionRomantic

Velcro: what a rip-off.

Black beauty - he's a dark horse.

I love acting, but it's all just a bonus.

Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.

For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.

For one thing, I don't pun excessively in real life.

If you compulsively pun you are called a paronomasiac.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.

I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.

One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out

I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.

Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.

I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray.

My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped.

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.

My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.

When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it.

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'

Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'

Share This Page