Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'
Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, 'Tell me about some of the people who were here last year.
I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business.
You know, the New Testament is pretty old. I think they should call them the Old Testament and the Most Recent Testament.
I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.
Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.
I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.
I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back, you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.
My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.
Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.
I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.
My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.'
I was born by Caesarian section . . . but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.
I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.
I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, 'What the hell am I doing?'
I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.
Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right.
My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.
A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. She said, "You didn't borrow this." I said, " I will!"
The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny.
I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything toda
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.
You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics.