Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me - and I didn't hear it.
Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers. You'd see a flock of birds come by, laughing hysterically!
[Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?
Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
I took my dog for a walk... all the way from New York to Florida... I said to him "There now you're done."
I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.
I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit .
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.
If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them.
I have a large sea shell collection which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it.
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?
All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
The older you get, the more you learn to see what you've been taught to see. When you're a kid, you see what's there.
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.