Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.
The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates".
I was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.
Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.
Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time... I think I've forgotten this before.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, 'No thanks, I'm not going that far.
Sometimes I talk to myself in languages I'm unfamiliar with... just to screw with my subconscious.
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.
I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up.
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.
It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear.
I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote", so right before I die I could say "unquote".
I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.