Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.
Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.
When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 -- Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.
Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh.
To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life.
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.