Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "What for?"
I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.
If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else’s property.
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
I went to a garage sale. 'How much for the garage' 'It's not for sale.'
I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.
I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don't.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
I just got this new camera. It's very advanced - you don't even need it.
I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?
I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time.
I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it.
If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost.