Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
My father was a small claims court jester.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
At one point he decided enough was enough.
Because I don't believe everything I read.
Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?
If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
Half the people you know are below average.
The speed of time is one second per second.
I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice>
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.
Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.
Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them
I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em