Quotes by Stephen Merchant - Page 1

I'm looking for a woman with the body of Kelly Brook and the mind of Stephen Fry.
Stephen Merchant / Writer
Brook
Fry
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I was trying for years to woo people through humour, but it seems flash cars are much easier.
Stephen Merchant / Writer
Car
Easier
Flash
Humour
People
Seems
Years
Woo
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I don't have any hidden depths; I'm a very superficial person. It's a constant frustration to me.
Stephen Merchant / Writer
Constant
Frustration
Superficial
Depths
Hidden
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I suffered when I was in my late twenties and early thirties. I was awkward, I stuck out, I was nerdy.
Stephen Merchant / Writer
Nerdy
Stuck
Twenties
Suffered
Early Thirties
Thirties
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My heroes - people like Woody Allen - were stand-up comedians. Therefore, I always felt I should give it a go.
Stephen Merchant / Writer
Woody
Heroes
Allen
Always People Go
Comedians
People Always Go
Therefore
Woody Allen
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Things don't get better when you become well known or go on TV. I'm just being rejected by a better class of women.
Stephen Merchant / Writer
Rejected
Well Known
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Maybe there's a sort of veneer of optimism about U.S. comedy, whereas perhaps in England, we don't mind ending it on a sourer note.
Stephen Merchant / Writer
England
Veneer
Ending
Note
Perhaps
Whereas
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I've always been a fan of physical comedy. It kind of hits you in a different way; it bypasses the intellect and hits you in the gut.
Stephen Merchant / Writer
Intellect
Physical Comedy
Gut
Way Comedy Always
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I like playing a bit of golf. But, if people went around beating people to death with golf clubs, I'd say, 'Ban golf. I'll take up tennis'
Stephen Merchant / Writer
Golf
People
Tennis
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I'm always jealous of Johnny Depp's sense of style, but if I tried to get away with a floppy hat and waistcoat, I'd look like a homeless person.
Stephen Merchant / Writer
Jealous
Homeless
Depp
Hat
Johnny
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People think all fame is the same, but being on BBC Two from time to time does not make you Warren Beatty. I honestly can't impress that upon people enough.
Stephen Merchant / Writer
Beatty
Fame
Honestly
Impress
Time Enough People
Bbc
Time People Enough
From Time To Time
Warren
Warren Beatty
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It's a cliche to say this now, but to me, 'The Sopranos' is like Dickens. It's able to take this very focused look at something but make it epic and profound.
Stephen Merchant / Writer
Dickens
Epic
Focused
Profound
Sopranos
The Sopranos
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Remember that film 'Sliding Doors,' when John Hannah woos Gwyneth Paltrow by reciting Monty Python sketches? I can tell you now that doesn't work, so that film's wrong.
Stephen Merchant / Writer
Doors
Film
Monty
Python
Reciting
Remember
Now
Wrong
Gwyneth
Gwyneth Paltrow
Hannah
John
Monty Python
Sketches
Sliding
Tell
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I used to be quite a big video game player at university and post-university in that weird moment in life before you have a proper job and you've got a lot of idle time.
Stephen Merchant / Writer
Idle
Video
Life Time Moment
Proper
Video Game
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It never really occurs to me that I'm doing cringe comedy. It's something that people tell me afterwards, and I say, 'Again? Really? I never set out with that intention.'
Stephen Merchant / Writer
Cringe
Intention
Me People Doing
Me People Comedy
Afterwards
Occurs
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There's this way pop culture has been rammed down our throats that people think that if they were just in the right place at the right time, they'd be married to Heidi Klum.
Stephen Merchant / Writer
Pop Culture
Right Place
Time Culture People
Throats
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Generally, I'm terrified of shopping. I like the idea of being well-dressed, but I've always struggled to get anything that fits. I envy those that go into old vintage shops.
Stephen Merchant / Writer
Envy
Shopping
Terrified
Vintage
Fits
Struggled
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You can only be embarrassed if you allow yourself to be embarrassed. If you embrace it and just accept that you're kind of a klutz, and you're able to make it into comedy gold.
Stephen Merchant / Writer
Able
Comedy
Gold
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Even here in California with more contemporary buildings. I have a real problem with the low doorframes. It's a curse! That's just another of the many problems I have to live with.
Stephen Merchant / Writer
California
Problem
Real
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I'm too tall. I am 6ft 7in, so I've been most people's height at some point in my life, and 6ft 4in is the best. You're tall, but you don't have to bend when you go through a door.
Stephen Merchant / Writer
Height
Life Best I Am
Bend
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I wish I could write 'Taxi Driver,' or 'Blue Velvet,' something brave, audacious, dramatic and dark. I don't know if I have the darkness in my own soul to be able to tap into it, unfortunately.
Stephen Merchant / Writer
Audacious
Blue
Dramatic
Taxi
Velvet
Tap
Driver
Unfortunately
Taxi Driver
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My teeth are all right, but they are not American teeth, and my hair is not thick and luscious. Los Angeles is dense with beautiful people, and most of the men who are aspiring actors are 5ft 5in, so I tower above them.
Stephen Merchant / Writer
Beautiful People
Dense
Los Angeles
Teeth
Thick
Above
Angeles
Aspiring
Los
Tower
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When I was a teenager, I met a comedian who I admired, and he was very rude to me. That's why when people come up to me I try not to be rude. I don't want to name who he is, but it really put me off watching his stuff since.
Stephen Merchant / Writer
Comedian
Me People Name
Admired
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My twitter fans are all pretty weird. A lot of them are kind of weirdly sexually aggressive. Some of them made me laugh and then I instantly tried to forget them, because I'd hate to find myself in a bar kind of drunk and accidentally use one.
Stephen Merchant / Writer
Drunk
Hate
Laughing
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I know that this sounds grand, but I don't try to compete with other people. I like to think there's enough pie for everyone. The kind of people I'm competing with are my heroes - Woody Allen, Billy Wilder - who I know I'm going to fall short of.
Stephen Merchant / Writer
Pie
Wilder
Woody
Enough People Know
Allen
Billy
Compete
Grand
People Enough Know
Woody Allen
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People don't mind insulting the tall. We're supposed to be fine with being awkward and skinny. I'm very easy to psychoanalyse. I was a gangly, awkward teenager who could make people laugh and thought that was a way to be socially more comfortable.
Stephen Merchant / Writer
Awkward
Insulting
Skinny
Mind People Way
Gangly
Socially
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When I started to mention to people who know about such things, 'I'm doing this game, 'Portal 2', they got very excited, suddenly. More excited than anything I've ever done before, weirdly. Gamers are incredibly enthusiastic about the stuff they love.
Stephen Merchant / Writer
Enthusiastic
Stuff
Love Game People
Gamers
Incredibly
Mention
Such Things
Suddenly
Weirdly
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It's not like I think: 'By the age of 40 I've got to be an international household name.' When the opportunity to perform comes up, then I'll take it. It's really good fun. But because I don't crave the attention or the buzz, it's not like I'm desperate for it.
Stephen Merchant / Writer
Buzz
Crave
Desperate
Good Fun
Household Name
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I very rarely laugh. I remember I used to have a joy at comedy. I remember going to see Sean Lock for the first time live, just in some comedy club when I was 18, and again, just guttural, pure laughter. I didn't know what he was doing; I couldn't see the tricks.
Stephen Merchant / Writer
Comedy
First Time
Joy
Pure
Remember
Sean
Tricks
Again
Club
Laugh
Lock
Rarely
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I guess as you get older you sort of see the mechanics, even with the best comedians. There's admiration for people I admire, but it's not guttural laughter. It's a wry 'Oh, well done, sir.' But I sort of miss that slightly; I miss the raw joy of comedy I used to get.
Stephen Merchant / Writer
Admiration
Laughter
Well Done
Comedians
Mechanics
Raw
Sir
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I don't know if I'm embarrassed because I think it's a funny show, but I could imagine there being a snootiness about it, but I do find 'The Big Bang Theory' very funny. I think that's a good show. I think it's fun, I like the actors; I think they're all doing a great job.
Stephen Merchant / Writer
Embarrassed
Great Job
Theory
Funny Good Great
Bang
Big Bang
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I've jokingly said that everything I'm doing now is filling up the hours before I die, but I do feel that slightly. I have no religious beliefs so this is the ride. This is it. So I'm just like anyone, I suppose, trying to fill out the days in the most interesting way possible.
Stephen Merchant / Writer
Beliefs
Fill
Interesting Way
Suppose
Religious Beliefs
Ride
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When we did 'The Office,' no one knew who we were, so it was easy to champion us; you could own us. Once you become successful, people don't have that any more, so it becomes more polarised. Some people want to champion you, and others want to slag you off. It doesn't concern me.
Stephen Merchant / Writer
Concern
Slag
Successful People
Champion Me People
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John Cleese was a big hero of mine. He grew up in Weston Super Mare near Bristol where I grew up; he was always very tall and gangly, but he was smart and used his physicality in a very funny way. I used to think, 'Well he came from Weston and he did it, so there's a chance for me.'
Stephen Merchant / Writer
Bristol
Hero
Physicality
Tall
Funny Chance Me
Funny Way
Gangly
Near
Super
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A lot of stand-up comedians are actually very insecure, and they come on slightly battling the audience. They want to be the superior person in the room, sneering at the world. That can be very funny. But to me, what's more interesting is that the world is on my shoulders, and it's pushing me down.
Stephen Merchant / Writer
Audience
Insecure
Interesting
Pushing
Shoulders
Funny World Me
Battling
Comedians
Room
Slightly
Superior
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Once I began doing stand-up, I didn't get a kick out of the applause or being the centre of attention - but I did get a kick out of the jigsaw puzzle aspect of it, searching for the right bit, adding another few pieces each night until the bigger picture appears. That's the appeal: the challenge of it.
Stephen Merchant / Writer
Aspect
Bigger Picture
Centre
Jigsaw
Adding
Appeal
Each Night
Jigsaw Puzzle
Searching
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The reason I keep talking about a wife and saying the word wife on stage is because it seems a funny word to me. The more you say it, the more it seems to detach from that person and become this sort of abstract thing: that you would set out to find a wife, that it would be an objective like buying a new car.
Stephen Merchant / Writer
Car
Talking
Wife
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The reason I keep talking about a wife and saying the word 'wife' on stage is because it seems a funny word to me. The more you say it, the more it seems to detach from that person and become this sort of abstract thing: that you would set out to find a wife, that it would be an objective like buying a new car.
Stephen Merchant / Writer
Funny
Car
Abstract
Buying
New Car
Reason
Seems
Stage
Talking
Car Wife Me
Find
Detach
Set
Word
Objective
Saying
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I just always remember there being an ability to amuse schoolmates. Not in a kind of 'dance-around-at-the-front-of-the-room-with-his-trousers-off' way, but probably with a sardonic quip. I remember getting a school report that said something like, 'Steve's good, but he tries to see the funny side in everything.'
Stephen Merchant / Writer
Amuse
Funny Good Always
Report
Steve
Tries
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You hear some people saying, 'I'm alive on stage; it's where I feel most complete...' I don't understand that at all; I find that weird and depressing. I don't dislike the audience; it's just when I'm up there, they're in the darkness. There's just a sound of laughing or not. They're not 'people,' they're this big organism.
Stephen Merchant / Writer
Depressing
Dislike
Organism
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I have experienced bad dating and ineptitude with women all across the globe, from Vietnam to Paris. When I was 21, women were an enigma; they were this code that had to be cracked. They were 'The Other.' I have often thought writing this stuff into stand-up and shows would be an exorcism, but it hasn't been; it makes no difference.
Stephen Merchant / Writer
Dating
Code
Cracked
Enigma
Exorcism
Vietnam
No Difference
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A lot of my comic influences are distinctly American: Woody Allen and Bob Hope, for example. They were always the underdogs who were using wit to sort of battle their way through. And it seems to me that a lot of contemporary U.S. comedies are shot through with losers. None of the characters in 'The Big Bang Theory,' for instance, are studs.
Stephen Merchant / Writer
Battle
Comic
Contemporary
Example
Instance
Seems
Theory
Wit
Woody
Hope Always Me
Allen
Bang
Shot
Big Bang
Comedies
Losers
For Example
Influences
None
Underdogs
Woody Allen
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When I get hired as an actor as opposed to a writer, one of things that's exciting for me is doing stuff I wouldn't normally do myself. So whether it's a kid's movie or a voice in animation or in this case - where I just get to be silly, it's a different kind of comedy for me. As a performer, it's a different pleasure than when you're writing or directing. As a performer, you're just in the hands of the director and you go with whatever they want to do.
Stephen Merchant / Writer
Kids
Silly
Writing
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Stephen Merchant Quotes - Page 1

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