Quotes by Stephanie Coontz - Page 3

Labeling people single parents, for example, when they may in fact be co-parenting - either with an unmarried other parent in the home or with an ex-spouse in a joint custody situation - stigmatizes their children as the products of 'single parenthood' and makes the uncounted parent invisible to society.
Stephanie Coontz / Author
Custody
Example
Invisible
Labeling
Parent
Products
Single
Situation
Unmarried
Either
For Example
Parents
In Fact
Joint
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In my work as a historian and in my relationships as a friend, teacher, wife, and mother, I have come to think that the most useful way to understand the past and make it work for you is to look at the trade-offs and contradictions that, however deeply buried, can be uncovered in every memory, good or bad.
Stephanie Coontz / Author
Teacher
Buried
Historian
Work Good Teacher
Useful
Contradictions
Deeply
However
Memory
Relationships
Uncovered
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The origins of modern marital instability lie largely in the triumph of what many people believe to be marriage's traditional role - providing love, intimacy, fidelity, and mutual fulfillment. The truth is that for centuries, marriage was stable precisely because it was not expected to provide such benefits.
Stephanie Coontz / Author
Benefits
Fidelity
Fulfillment
Instability
Intimacy
Mutual
Providing
Stable
Triumph
Centuries
Largely
Origins
Precisely
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Sometimes, having a mom stay home is a big help. On the other hand, when a mother works outside the home, her husband generally does more child care and has higher parental knowledge about his childrens' friends, routines, and needs, cutting across the tendency for fathers to be second-string parents at home.
Stephanie Coontz / Author
Child Care
Cutting
Higher
Husband
Parental
Across
Works
Fathers
Generally
Hand
Outside
Routines
Tendency
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In the 1970s, family history wasn't yet thought of a serious field for study. I was terrified of being laughed at by other historians. I called my book 'The Social Origins of Private Life.' It should have been 'As Pompous as You Want to Be.' Every sentence was academic jargon, and if I said X, I qualified it with Y.
Stephanie Coontz / Author
Academic
Family History
Jargon
Laughed
Pompous
Private Life
Qualified
Serious
Study
Terrified
Life Family History
Field
Historians
Origins
Private
Sentence
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I think that divorce is a vital escape hatch for people stuck in marriage and it is not a sentence of doom either for adults or children. The community should develop better support systems for saving or restoring potentially healthy marriages.But we should also help people who decide to divorce have healthier partings.
Stephanie Coontz / Author
Children
Divorce
Thinking
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When I speak on work-family issues to audiences around the country, some of the biggest complaints I hear come from individuals who are described by the census as living in 'non-family households.' They resent the fact that their family responsibilities literally don't 'count,' either for society or for their employers.
Stephanie Coontz / Author
Census
Complaints
Employers
Resent
Audiences
Count
Households
Responsibilities
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Feminism insists on women's right to make choices - about whether to marry, whether to have children, whether to combine work and family or to focus on one over the other. It also urges men and women to share the joys and burdens of family life and calls on society to place a higher priority on supporting caregiving work.
Stephanie Coontz / Author
Choices
Family Life
Feminism
Higher
Men And Women
Share
Urges
Life Family Work
Burdens
Calls
Combine
Life Work Family
Marry
Insists
Joys
Supporting
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When parents are educated about how not to involve children in their conflicts and co-parent amicably, a lot of the ill effects of divorce can be alleviated. Divorce is always painful. But kids in a high-conflict marriage or low-conflict but contemptuous ones are often better off in the long run when the parent can disengage.
Stephanie Coontz / Author
Kids
Running
Children
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Women are told that we can have the most exciting, glamorous, demanding, rewarding careers ever but we also have to be constantly sexy and sexually interested, and when we have children we have to spend more time with our kids. Of course you can't really do all three of those things at once, so we feel this tremendous stress.
Stephanie Coontz / Author
Children
Sexy
Stress
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There's nothing wrong with celebrating the good things in our past. But memories, like witnesses, do not always tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. We need to cross-examine them, recognizing and accepting the inconsistencies and gaps in those that make us proud and happy as well as those that cause us pain.
Stephanie Coontz / Author
Accepting
Gaps
Good Things
Memories
Pain
Recognizing
Cause
Witnesses
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Giving married women an independent legal existence did not destroy heterosexual marriage. And allowing husbands and wives to construct their marriages around reciprocal duties and negotiated roles - where a wife can choose to be the main breadwinner and a husband can stay home with the children - was an immense boon to many couples.
Stephanie Coontz / Author
Legal
Allowing
Boon
Immense
Reciprocal
Construct
Couples
Destroy
Duties
Heterosexual
Husbands
Marriages
Wives
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For most of America's history, people typically aspired to acquire 'a competency' rather than great riches. A competency meant the ability to comfortably sustain a household without depending on others. 'Competence' also meant being capable and reliable. The American Dream was that people who worked hard and capably could support their families.
Stephanie Coontz / Author
Acquire
American Dream
Capable
Competence
Household
Riches
History Great People
Aspired
Meant
Comfortably
Depending
Reliable
Sustain
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Almost all scholarly research carries practical and political implications. Better that we should spell these out ourselves than leave that task to people with a vested interest in stressing only some of the implications and falsifying others. The idea that academics should remain "above the fray" only gives ideologues license to misuse our work.
Stephanie Coontz / Author
Ideas
People
Stress
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Being a feminist is not about how successful, talented, and assertive you are in your own life. It's about whether you support the struggle to overcome the limiting gendered stereotypes and barriers that force so many women to restrict their aspirations as workers, to fulfill their aspirations as parents, and force so many men to do the opposite.
Stephanie Coontz / Author
Barriers
Struggle
Workers
Life Men Women
Opposite
Overcome
Aspirations
Talented
Life Women Men
Fulfill
Limiting
Restrict
Stereotypes
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We urgently need a debate about the best ways of supporting families in modern America, without blinders that prevent us from seeing the full extent of dependence and interdependence in American life. As long as we pretend that only poor or abnormal families need outside assistance, we will shortchange poor families, overcompensate rich ones, and fail to come up with effective policies for helping families in the middle.
Stephanie Coontz / Author
America
Long
Needs
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Increasingly, men are realizing exactly that - that having an educated, economically independent partner reduces the pressure on them to be the sole provider. Many men are also beginning to understand that participating in housework and childcare can be rewarding. Women with higher education and/or earnings are so much less likely than other women to divorce, that by age 40, they are more likely to be married than any other group of women.
Stephanie Coontz / Author
Men
Divorce
Independent
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Families have always been in flux and often in crisis; they have never lived up to nostalgic notions about "the way things used tobe." But that doesn't mean the malaise and anxiety people feel about modern families are delusions, that everything would be fine if we would only realize that the past was not all it's cracked up to be. . . . Even if things were not always right in families of the past, it seems clear that some things have newly gone wrong.
Stephanie Coontz / Author
Mean
Past
People
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For every nineteenth-century middle-class family that protected its wife and child within the family circle, there was an Irish ora German girl scrubbing floors in that home, a Welsh boy mining coal to keep the home-baked goodies warm, a black girl doing the family laundry, a black mother and child picking cotton to be made into clothes for the family, and a Jewish or an Italian daughter in a sweatshop making "ladies" dresses or artificial flowers for the family to purchase.
Stephanie Coontz / Author
Daughter
Girl
Children
Mother
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Extended families have never been the norm in America; the highest figure for extended-family households ever recorded in Americanhistory is 20 percent. Contrary to the popular myth that industrialization destroyed "traditional" extended families, this high point occurred between 1850 and 1885, during the most intensive period of early industrialization. Many of these extended families, and most "producing" families of the time, depended on the labor of children; they were held together by dire necessity and sometimes by brute force.
Stephanie Coontz / Author
America
Children
Together
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There is no going back to a time when most women will feel compelled to enter or stay in a bad marriage just for economic security or social respectability. So today, the best way to get women once more interested in getting married and having children is for men to accept women's new insistence on equality. This is, I think, why educated women in America, are now more pro - marriage and more disapproving of divorce than other groups of women who have less experience with egalitarian partners or less clout in getting their needs met in relationships.
Stephanie Coontz / Author
Men
Children
Divorce
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Hollywood overstates both the romance of marriage and the prevalence of divorce. Celebrities have divorce rates that are atypical and higher than most couples. I suspect that in celebrity marriages, there are huge egos on both sides and they do seem to encourage unrealistic expectations about falling in love. The problem with our romantic culture is that you can love someone you don't respect and the marriage can run out of gas with that formula. Respect is essential - not just respecting your partner but being sure your partner equally respects you.
Stephanie Coontz / Author
Running
Couple
Falling In Love
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Stephanie Coontz Quotes - Page 3

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