Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
People ask me about my influences and I say all the comedians in the 1970s and Dave Allen was a massive influence and a very big influence on a lot of modern comics.
I drive a VW California. It's a camper van based on the transporter body. It drives like a car, but you press a button and you're camping. I take it on tour with me.
I liken all jobs to decorating. If you don't do the preparation, sand down and prime first, you won't get a good paint job, and that's the same as everything in life.
Whenever a young comic asks me for advice I only have two things to say. One is to try and do what you think is genuinely funny and the other is just do loads of gigs.
Real men don't listen. I think you can waste a lot of valuable time listening to what people are saying to you and, let's face it, it's rarely interesting or important.
It's hard to pinpoint highlights on tour because they're the gigs really. The whole day becomes about the show. From the time you wake up you are slowly building up to that.
I would describe my driving style as calm authority, but my wife would call it demented. In my defence I've got a clean licence so probably the best way to describe it is crafty.
I have my suits especially made in 50 per cent polyester. That way when I'm going to a gig I can just stuff them in a bag, whip them out and they don't looked creased when I'm on stage.
I have no problem with people coming up to me and telling me they enjoy my work, what's weird is when you sense people noticing you, nudging each other, and you're not anonymous any more. You just feel exposed.
I finished school in 1981 when there was a recession on so there was not a lot of money around or work. I worked on building sites during that time and there were many people on the dole or always looking for work.
I really like doing stand-up, because it gives you an immense amount of freedom. You haven't got anyone telling you what to do. It's great to have that much power over what you do. You don't have that in television.
We do need sculpture. People always say: 'Well, that sculpture could have paid for a cot in a maternity ward.' But if the world had been run on those lines, there'd only be about four books, and they'd be seed-drill manuals.
I never moisturised until I got skin cancer. It totally changed my opinion on moisturising. I used to think using a face protector was a bit of a girly thing, now I've worked out it's actually essential to keep your skin healthy.
As a comedian, you're making so many observations, so many measurements. You might catch someone's eyes as you're telling a joke, and they can have this sort of glazed expression on their face, and that can set all your dials off.
Real men don't know what they want for Christmas. Despite the fact I'm deeply disappointed every Christmas. I pride myself on not wanting anything. Children want things, women want things, dogs and cats want things, but men don't.
Here's a message to all the employers out there reading this: if a comedian comes to you having given up comedy and wants a job; don't employ them. They're utterly feckless and incapable of handling any kind of responsibility. Fact.
There are certain types of stand-up, who are very successful, who do one type of joke, and never stray out of that. The audience knows that he's the depressive comedian, he's the up-beat, crazy comic. He's the one that talks about real life.
I'm amazed by how angry people get about new art, particularly new sculptures in their town. The people who hate new sculpture usually find their type of art on birthday cards, pictures of a vintage car going round a hairpin bend and suchlike.
There is the idea that there's a section of society, these working-class tradesmen, are driving around and they all think the same. Everybody who has tools in their vehicle have all the exact same thoughts: it's incredibly patronising isn't it?
The hardest I've ever laughed in a cinema was at 'Silent Movie' by Mel Brooks. I was 12-ish and I actually fell out of my seat. I saw it 10 years later hoping for the same hilarity but it didn't happen. I'm not sure if that's because of me or the film.
I finished tech college with just one A-level, which was an E in English, because I spent most of my time drinking and faffing around. Having one A-level is a bit like having a car with one wheel - pretty useless. So I ended up working on building sites.
I hate moaning comics, but I do find it very frustrating when I switch on BBC Four or BBC Two to find they're repeating some piece of crap sitcom. I think: Why don't they show mine? Not because I'd make any money, it would just be nice for it to be shown.
If you like Harry Hill, you'd really like Tony Law. He's a Canadian comic who's done a few appearances on 'Never Mind The Buzzcocks' and '8 out of 10 Cats.' Nobody else could do his stand-up; it's very idiosyncratic, very daft, very silly, but really well structured.
There is this fallacy of the 'cool' comedian out there. You see the guys who take themselves very seriously and think they're being very suave and sardonic. But they're just jesters like the rest of us; they're just goons like we all are. The job is to make people laugh.
My major regret in life is not going to university, though not for the qualification I would have gained. People I know who went there have a working method where they sit down and get something done; they know how to start and get on with things. I will do anything to avoid getting on with stuff.
I was 18 and had taken A-levels in Woking where I grew up. But I didn't want to go to university so left sixth-form college. My father was in the building industry and he found me a job stripping concrete panels off buildings. It was dangerous work on high scaffolds, sometimes 12 hours a day, Monday to Friday, and often weekends too.