Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I'm the master at publicity.
Touring can be quite a dull life.
I'm hoping I don't get Alzheimer's.
The hardest thing to write is sitcom.
Salad cream is horrible, like albino ketchup.
Claudia Winkleman is a good laugh and James Corden too.
A bit of advice: never read a pop-up book about giraffes.
I think people like to have something to have a moan about.
I used to watch 'EastEnders' till the plots got ridiculous.
Interesting fact: a shark will only attack you if you’re wet.
people say churches are half empty, they're not, they're too big
Brown is definitely my colour. I like it's understated drabness.
Being a purple van man means I have my own perspective on things.
I did once have a MySpace site but it was like a badly tended grave.
I prefer audiences away from London because they're more appreciative.
90% of toys are made in china, which technically makes the chinese elves
To write anything decent, it's hard. Anything you want to be good is hard.
I definitely appreciate the value of money, hard work and having a career.
My initial impression of the Welsh was that they were grumpier than I was!
I'd never been the class clown and comedy was not a fulfilment of a dream.
I'm actually a miserable, authoritarian guy at home... no really, I'm strict.
15 Storeys High' is the hardest thing I've worked on. 12 hours a day, 7 days a week.
I have worked out that I am virtually Chinese, because everything I own is from China.
My stand-up shows don't really have a theme but do have an interactive element to them.
I spent a large part of my 20s and 30s living in different places, including tower blocks.
I always ask for fresh coffee because instant doesn't give you the caffeine buzz you need.
I'd like an old car just so I can control the windows with a handle. I hate electronic windows.
I've got genuine political reasons for not voting for David Cameron. He's got a tiny little mouth.
I never go in the sun without a shirt on and always use a moisturiser with an SPF every day on my face.
I don't think it's any secret that the bigger the venue, the subtlety and artfulness of comedy declines.
I always wear sunglasses and often a panama hat, even if I'm just walking in the park, if the sun is hot.
In those stupid online polls to find the best sitcom ever, 'Father Ted' never gets the credit it deserves.
Billy Connolly is probably the greatest stand-up this country has ever produced and he swears all the time.
Cheryl Cole got malaria...well I guess that answers the question what do you give someone who has everything
If you're over 22, getting a tattoo and you don't do work that involves tools you should be ashamed of yourself!
The Specials used to be my style icons. I was obsessed with them and the whole 2-Tone thing was a good look for me.
There's an elusive element to comedy, but nobody gets it for free. That's why comedians seldom criticise each other.
I now believe in God for my own ends. I'm not an altruistic Christian - I'm only doing it in case there is in fact a Heaven.
I try not to be one particular type of comedian - I try to be foolish, and silly, and surreal, and quite angry and sarcastic and dry.
There's someone on Twitter who pretends to be me but as long as he doesn't say anything damaging, I don't care. Let him get on with it.
That's the thing about comedy, there's something utterly delightful and slightly pure about a really good joke, and to create one is a great pleasure.
It's not like I'm an Internet geek or anything - I'm of an age where the Internet is not the first thing I think of when I need to find something out.
A real man doesn't know what cellulite is. Until I was 30 I thought cellulite was a building material used for restoring plasterwork in stately homes.
when michael jackson died i wonder if his life flashed before him and if it did, i wonder if he thought 'who's that little black kid singing my songs?!'
Ron Mueck's 'Dead Dad' was fantastic. It was an almost exact replica of his dead dad's body, shrunk to be a third of the size, a very powerful sculpture.
I just did loads of dead-end jobs and a lot of travelling - just farting around, really. I had quite a lot of fun, but I've got no qualifications, no skills.
On '8 Out Of 10 Cats,' myself, Jimmy Carr and Jason Manford have got the producers around to our way of thinking - which is to trust us and allow us to ad-lib.
I go to my office nearly every day, and I'll sit there for six or seven hours and come up with ideas, and that's the only way I can justify turning up on stage.
Real men will eat anything I mean anything. I think the only food I have ever turned down was a boiled goat's head while hitch-hiking in Yugoslavia in the 1980s.
I am naturally cautious so I guess I am a saver. I'm a firm believer in not borrowing money, which is a lesson passed down to me from my parents and grandparents.