Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
The creator of the universe works in mysterious ways. But he uses a base ten counting system and likes round numbers.
There's kind of a toll you have to pay with a cat; if you don't pet her for 10 minutes she'll bother you for six hours.
As a rule, I don't like to laugh at the misfortune of others. The exception to that rule is if it's really, really funny.
I had several different bosses during the early years of 'Dilbert.' They were all pretty sure I was mocking someone else.
Your best work involves timing. If someone wrote the best hip hop song of all time in the Middle Ages, he had bad timing.
I would sometimes sit in a crowded restaurant, and say, 'You know, I'm the only person in this restaurant who can't draw.'
If you want to kill an idea without being identified as the assassin, suggest that the legal department take a look at it.
The amount of energy spent laughing at a joke should be directly proportional to the hierarchical status of the joke teller.
Crackpot is an excellent job because the expectations are so low. No one ever tells crackpots that they should be doing more.
I'm not happy on vacation. In those rare times when I have three hours with no work I have to do, I'm terribly uncomfortable.
We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far.
I'm a poor artist. Through brute force, I brought myself up to mediocre. I've never taken a writing class, but I can write okay.
Your business clothes are naturally attracted to staining liquids. This attraction is strongest just before an important meeting.
I have a perverse attraction to risk. Not physical risk but emotional, financial risk - anything than can't kill you immediately.
The world isn't fair, but as long as it's tilting in my direction, I find that there's a natural cap to my righteous indignation.
We're a planet of nearly six billion ninnies living in a civilization that was designed by a few thousand amazingly smart deviants.
In case the rest of you missed it, the inspirational speech was: 'If you work hard, you can achieve great things. And then you die'.
If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?
God designs people's emotions so you fall in love with people who, in return, wouldn't even use your hollowed-out skull for a spittoon.
Women are treated differently by society for exactly the same reason that children and the mentally handicapped are treated differently.
For five hundred dollars, I'll name a subatomic particle after you. Some of my satisfied customers include Arthur C. Quark and George Meson.
The first time you see something that you have never seen before, you almost always know right away if you should eat it or run away from it.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they are not there the first time you need them, chances are you won't be needing them again.
Normal people... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Most success springs from an obstacle or failure. I became a cartoonist largely because I failed in my goal of becoming a successful executive.
If I had to pick one quality that best predicts success (other than wanting to be successful) it would be the willingness to risk embarrassment.
As a fan, I'm distraught, but as a cartoonist looking at new vacant spaces in 2400 newspapers, well, behind me, my cats are dancing a conga line.
Reporters are faced with the daily choice of painstakingly researching stories or writing whatever people tell them. Both approaches pay the same.
As network administrator I can take down the network with one keystroke. It's just like being a doctor but without getting gooky stuff on my paws.
I can't bring myself to believe in a God with a personality like my own. I base that on the paucity of lightning attacks on people who deserve it.
The Cheesecake Factory is a great business model, but if you take your wife there for your 25th wedding anniversary, you might not reach your 26th.
Be careful that what you write does not offend anybody or cause problems within the company. The safest approach is to remove all useful information.
Boss: I just heard that light travels faster than sound. I'm wondering if I should shout when I speak, just so my lips appear to sync-up with my words.
The marketing department uses many advanced techniques to match products and buyers in a way that mximizes profits. For example, they give away keychains.
Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant.
There's a gigantic gray area between good moral behavior and outright felonious activities. I call that the Weasel Zone and it's where most of life happens.
There’s nothing more humbling than seeing your best quotes in a list, and thinking they could have been written by a coma patient with a keyboard and spasms.
One of the reasons why you like to do your own drawings is, your style changes over time. And there's something about that that keeps it fresh to the viewer.
Dogbert: Scientists have discovered the gene that makes some people love golf. Dilbert: How can they tell it's the golf gene? Dogbert: It's plaid and it lies.
Some of my best friends are Venture Capitalists, but let's face it, a hamster with Alzheimer's could make those kind of numbers. It's great work if you can get it.
Obviously there's not much options when you're a cartoonist - you pretty much either work at home or rent an office I guess, and working at home just seems easier.
Some people fear that technology will become more engaging than live human interactions. That's silly; technology is already way more interesting than other people.
I try to manage my day by my circadian rhythms because the creativity is such an elusive thing, and I could easily just stomp over it doing my administrative stuff.
Ideas are cheap. A dime a dozen, as they say. It's the implementation that's important! The trick isn't just to have a computer game idea, but to actually create it!
Every year, it takes more brains to navigate this complicated world. More people are falling below what I call the 'incompetence line' through no fault of their own.
Everyone, including skeptics, will generate delusions that match their views. That is how a normal and healthy brain works. Skeptics are not exempt from self-delusion.
Some physicists describe gravity in terms of ten dimensions all curled up. But those aren't real words-just placeholders, used to refer to parts of abstract equations.
The source of all unhappiness is other people. As soon as you learn to think of other people as noisy furniture, the sooner you will be happy. - Wally's Keynote Speech
Good advertising can make people buy your product even if it sucks ... A dollar spent on brainwashing is more cost-effective than a dollar spent on product improvement.
Continuing to believe the same thing, even in the face of new evidence to the contrary, is the definition of insanity - except in politics where it's called leadership.