Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
If you quit being cunty, the whole world will stop being against you.
But I think you can make fun of anything as long as it's funny enough.
I have no religion. But culturally I can't escape it; I'm very Jewish.
I don't care if you think I'm racist. I just want you to think I'm thin.
The truth is, I've denied it for years, but I love deconstructing comedy.
Mommy is one of the chosen people … and daddy believes that Jesus is magic!
I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to avoid it.
I can't wait till Sunday, I'm gonna see my favorite niece and my other niece.
I'm not the marrying type, but I always want to be with someone who is a fan.
I was raped by a doctor. Which is, you know, so bittersweet for a Jewish girl.
Everyone's got their own velocity, and there's no real time frame with comedy.
Don’t forget, God can see you masturbating. But don’t stop. He’s almost there.
And we're just all made of molecules and we're hurtling through space right now.
Women don't ask to be raped, but there are some that are asking to be motorboated
When God gives you AIDS - and God does give you AIDS, by the way - make lemonAIDS.
I like to think of myself as 'hot-larious' I'm cute, but I'm totally approachable.
I like talking about things that are taboo, because it makes them not taboo anymore.
I was sent to sleepover camp since I was 6, and you know, it's a recipe for disaster.
That still feels like the most accurate description - I felt homesick, but I was home.
I don't like people whose job it isn't to be funny, to tell me what is and isn't funny.
You have to be able to laugh at yourself. That's what I tell Asian people all the time.
You know, I think whatever a comic talks about onstage is all they talk about offstage.
The good news is hopeful doesn't mean dumb. The bad news is cynical doesn't mean smart.
I'd rather have a girl exposed to me than 25 women in prom dresses vying for a stranger.
I am diagnosed with not having enough insanely-addictive drugs coursing through my body.
I always look at myself knowing that I will have a certain degree of cognitive distortion.
Some people say my humor focuses too much on stereotypes. It doesn't. It focuses on facts.
Well, I'm not afraid to say something if I think it's funny, even if it's harsh or racist.
I'm lucky because I intentionally keep my overhead low, and so I can say, "No, thank you."
I just look like a transvestite when I try to dress up. There's no place to hide my balls.
Making my family laugh when I was little - it became an addiction. It was a kind of survival.
In the big picture, life has a gap in it. It just does. You don't go crazy trying to fill it.
I know how to write. So I am not totally at the mercy of filmmakers, but it's not a bad point.
I don't think there is a woman in her 40s who doesn't, kind of, examine herself in the mirror.
I happen to think that there are already tons of perfectly good babies out there already born.
It's really stupid to defend your own jokes. That is for other people to do if they choose to.
I think when you're 25 you're still finding yourself, and you should have the freedom of that.
I love making videos on my couch. You can put those on the Internet fast. I can express myself.
I think that whenever a Jew has any kind of notoriety, good or bad, the Jews find it to be good.
I'm doing stuff on Kaballah and Scientology and a little bit more racial stuff, for good measure.
I am 39 years old, and I still wake up every morning really excited I don't have to go to school.
I remember when I got a part on 'Seinfeld' it was like an out of body experience, I was so excited.
I dress normal because I want people to treat me regular. And their brains explode. It's really fun.
Strippers should be role-models for little girls. If only for the fact that they wax their assholes.
I became known for surprising audiences. Except now, if I surprise them every time, they expect that.
It feels weird in our ear holes to hear people worshipping a guy named Ron. We know Rons in our life.
I can't cater to everyone's needs and what they're going to be offended by; that's one freedom I have.
Sometimes I am screwing around, and sometimes I get way too serious, but I am a pretty sincere person.
I looked up and saw the shape of a heart made by the silhouette of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon kissing.
Letting your freak flag fly is something, no matter who you are, that takes great bravery, straight up.