Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I try to tell people to keep having hope. It's always what you don't know and don't expect that's gonna be so great.
I quit smoking. I feel better. I smell better. And it's safer to drink out of old beer cans laying around the house.
You must never be afraid in New York City, because then you will call bad stuff to you and you will not like it there.
As long as your abuser has you scared, you will stay in the cycle of abuse. Thinking of solutions helps you to escape.
Honestly, a lot of the human etiquette I learned in life I learned from, like, thank-you notes and dating Jimmy Kimmel.
The basic thing is, people want to get paid, so they'll say the things that get them paid, in entertainment or politics.
As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job.
I never do anything fun, because I'm a housewife. I hate that word 'housewife.' I prefer to be called 'domestic goddess.'
politics and religion in the United States work like the twin grips of a pair of pliers on a critical mass of the masses.
The most out-there thing I’m saying is, ‘Don’t have babies. Don’t get married and have kids. Have a larger life than that.
I always was a writer, but then I wanted to do stand-up because I thought that was a way that I could perform what I wrote.
I survived my childhood by birthing many separate identities to stand in for one another in times of great stress and fear.
Hollywood is the only place on earth that has more vampires, more undead, more resurrections than a month of Easter Sundays.
My husband says, 'God, Roseanne, I can't remember the last time we had sex.' Well, I can, and that is why we ain't doing it.
They've said 'Roseanne's nuts' for years, and now I'm going to make that a reality - I'm all about nuts now, macadamia nuts!
Nobody wanted the "Roseanne" show. I heard from agents that there was no interest in a show about a fat woman and her family.
Nobody wanted the 'Roseanne' show. I heard from agents that there was no interest in a show about a fat woman and her family.
Everything on this earth right now is about labor and slavery. War is the only American export left that anyone wants to buy.
You can really learn from Donahue. I didn't know you could be a woman in a man's body. You go out and you can't parallel park.
I signed a deal with Satan because I wanted to get famous. Then I forgot I had a deal with Satan and then I got really famous.
As Prime Minister of Israel, I will introduce a bill into the Knesset that will simply pay the Arabs not to shoot at the Jews.
I gave Joss Whedon and Judd Apatow their first writing jobs, as well as many other untried writers who went on to great success.
I remember performing on a punk stage with no mic in the middle of a mosh pit. My act was called "How to Be a Domestic Goddess."
My hope is that gays will be running the world, because then there would be no war. Just a greater emphasis on military apparel.
You can always get better. Nobody can stop you from getting better, and nobody can stop you from trying to make something right.
You can't break through Hollywood formulaic points of view. I've tried, and I think I was more successful than anybody at doing it.
Putting measures like gay marriage on ballots for elections only hurts the gay rights cause and elects more conservative politicians.
I have five kids from three marriages. I come from a trailer park. My sister and brother are both gay. I have multiple personalities.
I hate every human being on earth. I feel that everyone is beneath me, and I feel they should all worship me. That's what I told my kids.
A lot of people in television who've had successful shows claim the 'Roseanne' show as their starting place, and I'm really proud of that.
My family were hitters. If you made them laugh, they didn't hit you. My dad wouldn't hit me if I got him with humor right between the eyes.
My husband says, 'Roseanne, don't you think we ought to talk about our sexual problems?' Like I'm gonna turn off Wheel of Fortune for that.
The real truth is, I just want to keep the voice of dissent alive in all of our elections. I don't really want to hang out with politicians.
The fact that my grown kids like to hang out with me, I mean, it just - I don't think it really can get any better than that, I don't think.
When I was little, that was one thing that I was told in a vision: I was going to have my own show when I grew up. And it's going to be funny.
I'm enjoying my life, post-menopause, so much. It's just so great to grow into yourself, and not be bothered with all that tyranny of biology.
I'm a comic, and I'm supposed to outrage and make people laugh, Part of makin' people laugh is to shake up their thinkin'. That's what I came here to do.
Patriarchy is a bully notion, which if you will notice NEVER attacks a nation that can defend itself. Zionism is patriarchal and sets Judaism on its head.
I used to want to be a movie star so I wouldn't have to live in trailers anymore. And now that I make movies, I spend a lot of my life living in trailers.
'Winning' in Hollywood means not just power, money, and complimentary smoked-salmon pizza, but also that everyone around you fails just as you are peaking.
I'm on the mirror diet. You eat all your food in front of a mirror in the nude. It works pretty good, though some of the fancier restaurants don't go for it.
Pot enables you to think clearly without any fear or any limits. It's a mind-expander, which is part of why it's illegal and why drugs like Vicodin are legal.
Finding a calm place inside myself through meditation kind of helped me to get over a lot of mental illness ... it's just been a really great thing in my life.
I think that all comics or humorists, or whatever we are, ask questions. That's what we're supposed to do. But I not only ask the questions, I offer solutions.
After my 1985 appearance on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson, I was wooed by producers in Hollywood, who told me they wanted to turn my act into a sitcom.
There is no real third party in America. There's this one party that has two sides to it - the Democratic and Republican side. It's one party that has two heads.
I always felt that it was easier to take a funny person and teach them to write television than to take somebody who was a television writer and make them funny.
My daughter made me a Jerry Springer-watching kit, with crackers, Cheez Whiz, polyester stretch pants and a T-shirt with two fat women fighting over a skinny guy.
Sometimes for me not throwing a tantrum is what running a marathon or swimming the English Channel must be like for others of a less-challenging emotional nature.
After my 1985 appearance on 'The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson,' I was wooed by producers in Hollywood, who told me they wanted to turn my act into a sitcom.