Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Everything here must be done twice as no one can do it right the first time.
I'm a heterosexual. I don't know why I'm like this. I was just born this way.
My husband is almost as heavy as I am. We were married in adjoining churches.
The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it.
Who's elk horn do I have to blow in order to get something to eat around here?
Take this marriage thing seriously - it has to last all the way to the divorce.
You kind of restructure your whole personality to be in a healthy relationship.
I think I'm hysterical. I watch myself on tape and just roar - isn't that weird?
A lot of times nerds are really artists listening to the beat of another drummer.
I meditate so I know how to find a peaceful place within to be calm and peaceful.
Once you get away from wanting to get paid, you can actually say some true things.
If you spend all your time worrying about dying, living isn't going to be much fun.
I was not raised a Zionist, but a socialist, as were most Jews before the Holocaust.
I avoided reality for most of my life. But once you deal with it, it's kind of cool.
My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.
One of the first things I bought when I made 'Roseanne Show' money was a farm in Iowa.
You know what, when I was thin, I thought there was a fat girl trying to get out of me.
I’m not a politician. I think that uniquely qualifies me to become president of the U.S.
I'm not a politician. I think that uniquely qualifies me to become president of the U.S.
Have you heard about the women who stabbed her husband 37 times? I admire her restraint.
Illiteracy is a huge problem in America. One in three adults in our country is illiterate.
I think I should be here alone to rethink the world, I do. I want these lesser humans gone.
I think I should be here alone to rethink the world - I do. I want these lesser humans gone.
I'm just into spirituality. I believe that in a previous life I used to be Shirley MacLaine.
I consider myself to be a pretty good judge of people... that's why I don't like any of them.
Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself.
Husbands are never happy. My husband asked me for more space, so I locked him out of the house.
The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner.
Birth control that really works - every night before we go to bed we spend an hour with our kids.
I'm very introspective, and I mostly don't talk to people. I get into a real quiet, meditative place.
I have great parents, and they both taught me great things, but my formative years were boundaryless.
I don't really want to hang out with politicians. I'd rather go straight to hell, and not collect $200.
Most of the books call Her a He, but I am able to ascertain what is meant, despite that semantic error.
I'm fat and proud of it. If someone asks me how my diet is going, I say 'Fine - how was your lobotomy?'
A good man doesn't just happen. They have to be created by us women. A guy is a lump like this doughnut.
To expect life to treat you good is foolish as hoping a bull won't hit you because you are a vegetarian.
Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?
Here is my personal opinion about prostitution. If men knew how to do it, they wouldn't have to pay for it.
You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you're married to a couch that burps.
I loved work and I loved pouring myself into the work, you know. It was the real life that I had trouble with.
I thank God for creating gay men. Because if it wasn't for them, us fat women would have no one to dance with.
US needs to fix up it's election system so that votes are fairly counted, and the Electoral College is removed.
Men read maps better than women because only men can understand the concept of an inch equaling a hundred miles.
A lot of men are impotent and it's very sad. How many of you are impotent? I see. Can't get your arms up either?
I do say that I am in favor of the return of the guillotine and that is for the worst of the worst of the guilty.
And, you know, I liked writing humor. Well, I should say, I wanted to write seriously, but it kept turning funny.
I've never done anything for money, and that is why I got money. When you do stuff for money, you never get money.
I hold to nothing but envisioning international peace and utopia. We all have many more things in common than not.
Since I had my gastric bypass surgery in 1998, I eat like a bird. Unfortunately, that bird is a California condor.
I'm funnier now because I'm braver and less full of hate, so everything is even more ridiculous than it was before.