Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
You can't fix stupid.
They call me Tater Salad
Comedy is all about the pause.
I don't do any corporate work.
Everybody I know is a joke writer.
I go through about 140 cities a year.
You can't ride home on a bowl of goat.
I always wanted to be a popular comedian.
I was a comedy fan when I was a little kid.
Comedy is great because there's no overhead.
My goal is just to become a better comedian.
Mother, she likes the blue material just fine.
The next time you have a thought... let it go.
I was a huge fan of comedy when I was a child.
I go to more open mic nights than open mikers.
Diamonds - that'll shut her up... for a minute!
I don't watch Comedy Central. I don't enjoy it.
If you kill someone in Texas, we'll kill ya back.
I've been married a few times. I'm not good at it.
I loved listening to laughter even as a little kid.
You wanna get the truth out of me, get me hammered.
My shows are not all-the-way filthy, but they can be.
I just try to keep it fresh without sacrificing funny.
We always go out looking for live music after our shows.
I believe everything creative is somewhat collaborative.
The Majestic Theatre in San Antone is as good as it gets.
My only goal is to make you laugh, not tell you the truth.
Apparently I ain't the only cat on the block digs cheetos.
I don't even plan things until later, so no I got no plans.
I pretty much give both barrels every time I walk on stage.
I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.
I would have rather been beat by a plumber than Kathy Griffin.
Star Wars Episode Three (And One Quarter): Revenge Of The Hicks
It's something that's really fun to do. It's a family business.
I love Cincinnati, but you can keep that spaghetti chili product!
I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.
I'd rather do a really good small part than a really bad big part.
My favorite bands are the Allman Brothers and Red Hot Chili Peppers.
A lot of people can find something to laugh at in my humor, I guess.
I'm set up where I make a lot of money doing stand-up, and it's easy.
I didn't get where I am today by worryin' about how I'd feel tomorrow.
You can only do two things with your life: give it away or throw it away.
All of my comedian friends are some of the best joke writers in the world.
Don't bring your kids to my show, and I won't come to your house and cuss.
If I see someone out there mouthing the words to a bit, I'm not having fun.
The only way to stay sharp is to do live shows. There is no part-time comedy.
You can't fix stupid. There's not a pill you can take, or a class you can go to.
I don't live under the illusion we don't need a military to protect this country.
I believe that a bad Super Bowl halftime show is still better than a soccer game.
My biggest pet peeve, I guess, is other comedians criticizing Larry the Cable Guy.