Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'
I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.
My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.
I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.
My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles
My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.
With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.
A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.
My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size).
I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.
When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.
Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate.
When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.
My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.
I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.
My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
My cousin's gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.
My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.
I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.
I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother
My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.
I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.
Never tell your wife she's bad in bed. She'll go out and get a second opinion.
What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!
At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.
I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!
I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents?
Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.
What a childhood I had - I was ten years old when I found out Alpo was dog food.
To me, Viagra is the same as Disneyland. You wait an hour for a two-minute ride.
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice. I don't know if I'm coming or going.
I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.