Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.
If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.
Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.
I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.
Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.
I don't know kid, there are so many places they could hide.
My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.
Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.
When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.
The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.
They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another.
I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.
One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving.
I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.
The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred.
I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!
She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.
For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
Don't talk about yourself so much...we'll do that when you leave.
When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!
Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.
I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!
She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.
I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.
His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.
I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!
What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.