Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
I don't get no respect
I can't get no respect.
Life is just a bowl of pits.
My wife gives good headache.
Man, who don't like spaghetti?
I have three kids, one of each.
Hey, did somebody step on a duck?
Life's a short trip. You'll find out.
At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.
Comedy is a camouflage for depression.
Hey everybody, we're all gonna get laid!
My mom took me to a dog show and I won!!
My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I don't get no respect, no respect at all!
Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.
I was a poster child... for birth control!
Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!
I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.
I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.
People seldom live up to their baby pictures.
My sex life is like shooting pool with a rope!
School is a place were you go to eat your lunch
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!!
I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.
What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.
Comedy is in my blood. Too bad it's not in my act.
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.
Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.
My mother used to rock me - and she used big rocks.
my wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens
She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.
He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place.
It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald.
I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.
At certain times I like sex - like after a cigarette.
My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.
Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.
I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!
I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.
I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.
