Quotes by Robert Schimmel - Page 1

How do blind people know when they're done wiping their ass?
Robert Schimmel / Comedian
Blind
Done
People
Copy Quote
Because when you’re laughing, there is no other emotion in that moment except for joy.
Robert Schimmel / Comedian
Emotion
Joy
Laughing
Copy Quote
You know you're out of shape when you have a heart attack when you're watching television.
Robert Schimmel / Comedian
Heart
Shapes
Television
Copy Quote
I'm not ready to die. Period. To begin with, I cannot imagine a future without me in it. Can't do it.
Robert Schimmel / Comedian
Death
Imagine
Periods
Copy Quote
I went to rent a car, and the guy goes, 'Do you want the extra insurance?' I said, 'Why...am I gonna get into an extra accident?
Robert Schimmel / Comedian
Car
Guy
Want
Copy Quote
My mom told me when I was younger that when you jack off all of your dead relatives are watching. But then I figured who were they going to tell.
Robert Schimmel / Comedian
Mom
My Mom
Copy Quote
What do you say when your friends come to visit and the dog starts humping their leg. Well, if it's a pit bull, you say, "You better let him finish."
Robert Schimmel / Comedian
Funny
Dog
Pits
Copy Quote
It's fun to be in California. The police are kind of weird here. They ask you stupid questions. 'Do you know why I pulled you over?' Because I have pot in the glove compartment?
Robert Schimmel / Comedian
California
Fun
Stupid
Copy Quote
A lot of weird ads. Sally Struthers with that little kid: 'Just 55 cents, the price of a cup of coffee, feeds this kid and his family for a week.' Yeah, where is that? 'Cause I wanna move there.
Robert Schimmel / Comedian
Kids
Coffee
Moving
Copy Quote
It's my mission to try and give people fighting the disease the same gifts of laughter and a positive attitude I had. Hopefully, my career as a comic will give me the forum to touch these people.
Robert Schimmel / Comedian
Attitude
Fighting
Laughter
Copy Quote
Why are hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids and asteroids called asteroids? Wouldn't it make more sense if it was the other way around? But if that was true, then a proctologist would be an astronaut.
Robert Schimmel / Comedian
Asteroids
Way
Would Be
Copy Quote
So my wife said she read this article in a magazine and she said: "You know, maybe you're suffering from premature ejaculation." Yeah, does it look like I'm suffering? Those aren't tears on your belly.
Robert Schimmel / Comedian
Ejaculation
Suffering
Wife
Copy Quote
My daughter saw this billboard for this place: 'Swim With the Dolphins.' She goes, 'I wanna do that.' I said, 'It's a lot of money - forget about it.' She said, 'Dad, I always wanted to swim with the dolphins.' 'Always, or since you saw the sign?
Robert Schimmel / Comedian
Daughter
Dad
Dolphins
Swim
Copy Quote
I flew out here on Southwest Airlines. Southwest has a plane that's painted like Shamu the whale from Sea World. Yeah, that'll be easy to find if that went down in the ocean. That'll be nice, when you're trying to get out and a real whale's humping your window.
Robert Schimmel / Comedian
Ocean
Nice
Real
Copy Quote
If you get a ticket, you can go to traffic school, and they make you watch movies for like eight hours: head-on collisions, mannequins flying out the windshield. At the end of the movie, the instructor goes, 'Now what have we learned by this?' Never let a mannequin drive your car.
Robert Schimmel / Comedian
Car
Eight
School
Copy Quote

Related Comedian Authors

Steven Wright
Comedian
Tuesday, Dec 06, 1955
Zach Anner
Comedian
Saturday, Nov 17, 1984
Yakov Smirnoff
Comedian
Wednesday, Jan 24, 1951
Winston Spear
Comedian
Will Ferrell
Comedian
Sunday, Jul 16, 1967
Will Durst
Comedian
Tuesday, Mar 18, 1952
Wil Anderson
Comedian
Thursday, Jan 31, 1974
Whoopi Goldberg
Comedian
Sunday, Nov 13, 1955
Whitney Cummings
Comedian
Saturday, Sep 04, 1982
Wendy Liebman
Comedian
Monday, Feb 27, 1961
Warren Hutcherson
Comedian
Thursday, Oct 31, 1963
Wanda Sykes
Comedian
Saturday, Mar 07, 1964
Wally Cox
Comedian
Saturday, Dec 06, 1924
Thursday, Feb 15, 1973
W. C. Fields
Comedian
Thursday, Jan 29, 1880
Wednesday, Dec 25, 1946
Vir Das
Comedian
Thursday, May 31, 1979

View All Comedian Quotes

Top Authors

Thomas Jefferson
3Rd US President
Saturday, Apr 13, 1743
Tuesday, Jul 04, 1826
Henry David Thoreau
Author
Saturday, Jul 12, 1817
Tuesday, May 06, 1862
Mae West
Actress
Thursday, Aug 17, 1893
Saturday, Nov 22, 1980
Paulo Coelho
Lyricist
Sunday, Aug 24, 1947
Edgar Allan Poe
Author
Thursday, Jan 19, 1809
Sunday, Oct 07, 1849
Voltaire
Writer
Sunday, Nov 21, 1694
Saturday, May 30, 1778
Michael Jordan
Basketball Player
Sunday, Feb 17, 1963
George Orwell
Novelist
Thursday, Jun 25, 1903
Saturday, Jan 21, 1950
Thomas Aquinas
Priest
Tuesday, Jan 28, 1225
Wednesday, Mar 07, 1274
Vincent Van Gogh
Painter
Wednesday, Mar 30, 1853
Tuesday, Jul 29, 1890
Theodore Roosevelt
26Th U.s. President
Wednesday, Oct 27, 1858
Monday, Jan 06, 1919
Barack Obama
44Th U.s. President
Friday, Aug 04, 1961
Abraham Lincoln
16Th U.S. President
Sunday, Feb 12, 1809
Saturday, Apr 15, 1865
Henry Ford
Industrialist
Thursday, Jul 30, 1863
Monday, Apr 07, 1947
Jean De La Bruyere
Wednesday, Aug 16, 1645
Thursday, May 10, 1696

View All Authors

Robert Schimmel Quotes - Page 1

Picture Quotes Maker

Related Comedian Authors

Popular Topic Tags

Top Authors

Share This Page

Stay Connected

Picture Quotes Maker

Related Comedian Authors

Popular Topic Tags

Top Authors

Share This Page