Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I always wondered why babies spend so much time sucking their thumbs. Then I tasted baby food.
New Yorkers are so impersonal, if it wasn't for muggings there wouldn't be any contact at all!
The chance to be seen as a warm, witty guy is too good an opportunity for a politician to miss.
We have enough people who tell it like it is - now we could use a few who tell it like it can be.
Wait'll next year! is the favorite cry of baseball fans, football fans, hockey fans, and gardeners.
I should warn you that underneath these clothes I'm wearing boxer shorts and I know how to use them.
It may be the way the cookie crumbles on Madison Avenue, but in Hong Kong its the way the egg rolls.
Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.
They're combining that new fertility drug with a birth control pill for people who don't want triplets.
Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down.
Vacation: When you spend thousands of dollars to see what rain looks like in different parts of the world.
Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?
My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.
Did you ever see that painting the Mona Lisa. It always reminds me of a reporter listening to a politician.
Thanks to modern medicine we are no longer forced to endure prolonged pain, disease, discomfort and wealth.
There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.
I'd be surprised if Ronald Reagan doesn't run again. To us it's a second term. To him it's a double feature.
More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems: back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.
Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!
I feel that if God had really wanted us to have enough oil, he would never have given us a Department of Energy.
I don't see why religion and science can't cooperate. What's wrong with using a computer to count our blessings?
It's amazing how important your job is when you want the day off - and how unimportant it is when you want a raise.
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
Noise pollution is a relative thing. In a city, it's a jet plane taking off. In a monastery, it's a pen that scratches.
Summit meetings tend to be like panda matings. The expectations are always high, and the results usually disappointing.
I may be forty, but every morning when I get up, I feel like a twenty-year-old. Unfortunately, there's never one around.
Sports like baseball, basketball, and hockey develop muscles. That's why Americans have the strongest eyes in the world.
Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
Every speaker has a mouth; An arrangement rather neat. Sometimes it's filled with wisdom. Sometimes it's filled with feet.
Nowadays, you cannot be a very Effective political figure without Having a demonstrable sense of humor. People take to it.
If you can get someone to laugh with you, they will be more willing to identify with you, listen to you. It parts the waters.
Do you realize that in the past sixty years, the only foreigners the French have been able to drive out are American tourists?
Remember the days when you let your child have some chocolate if he finished his cereal? Now, chocolate is one of the cereals.
Inflation is bringing us true democracy. For the first time in history, luxuries and necessities are selling at the same price.
They say kids today don't know the value of a dollar. They certainly do know the value of a dollar. That's why they ask for five.
I'm beginning to wonder about my broker. Yesterday I told him to buy a hundred shares of A.T.&T. He said, 'Would you spell that?'
Sociologists say that going to the movies is a bonding experience. It probably has to do with the way you feet stick to the floor.
Did you hear about the woman who sent out 40,000 Valentine Cards doused in perfume and signed, "Guess Who?" She's a divorce lawyer.
THe world now has so many problems that if Moses had come down from Mount Sinai today, the two tablets he'd carry would be aspirin.
These detective series on TV always end at precisely the right moment-after the criminal is arrested and before the court turns him loose.
Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some of the smaller countries are neutral.
Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy would turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it hasn't.
For Father's Day, my kids always give me a bottle of cologne called English Leather. It's appropriate! To them I always smell like a wallet.
I had a terrible fight with my wife on New Year's Eve. She called me a procrastinator. So I finished addressing the Christmas cards and left.
As much as we admire all the characteristics of a Ronald Reagan, as soon as something goes wrong, people will hate those same characteristics.
Telling a joke is risk taking. Younger people are more insecure and not willing to put themselves on the line, so a quick one-liner is much safer.
I understand the big food companies are developing a tearless onion. I think they can do it - after all, they've already given us tasteless bread.
Humor is the most honest of emotions. Applause for a speech can be insincere, but with humor, if the audience doesn't like it there's no faking it.
Don't smoke too much, drink too much, eat too much or work too much. We're all on the road to the grave - but there's no need to be in the passing lane.
Anybody with a good sense of humor is one-up on their competition. We respond to somebody who has the ability to make us laugh. It's a bonding influence.