Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.
Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.
If your husband has difficulty getting to sleep, the words 'we need to talk about our relationship' may help.
My father watched football with the sound off because he lived in fear of hearing the voice of Howard Cosell.
I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh.
I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.
Individuality in dressing is not important to men. If they all look alike it means they haven't made a mistake.
My mother was the worst cook ever. In school, when we traded lunches, I had to throw in an article of clothing.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
I'm not a person who likes authority. I just love the fact that it's up to me, and I go straight to the audience.
Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of the women they're married to.
Most men are secretly still mad at their mothers for throwing away their comic books. They would be valuable now.
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.
There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.
Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
I want to have young children although my mother and father are even now young sufficient to just take care of them.
Blondes have more fun, don't they? They must. How many brunettes do you see walking down the street with blond roots?
Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.
Buying something on sale is a very special feeling. In fact, the less I pay for something, the more it is worth to me.
Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible; in a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself "well, that's not going to happen
We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.
Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l.
Men are very confident people. Even a sixty-year-old man with no arms thinks he could play in the Super Bowl if he had to.
You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.
We live in Los Angeles, where you are expected to move every two to four years, so people can see how well your career is going.
I hate learning through experience. Just once I'd like to learn something because someone was nice enough to tell me in advance.
The older theory was, marry an older man because they're more mature. But the new theory is men don't mature. Marry a younger one.
My father was never very friendly. When I was growing up, I thought the doorbell ringing was a signal to pretend you weren't home.
Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.
I adore being hitched. It's so extraordinary to discover one unique individual you need to irritate for whatever remains of your life.
Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.
How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue...and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?
Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?
Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until the day before his anniversary to buy his wife a gift.
Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened.
I was going with someone for a few years, but we broke up. It was one of those things. He wanted to get married, and I didn't want him to.
You are always trying to please people before you get to the public whenever you do anything that requires a corporate body to sanction it.
Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."
Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.
After you've dated someone it should be legal to stamp them with what's wrong with them so the next person doesn't have to start from scratch.