Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
When I want to end a relationship I just say, 'You know, I love you. I want to marry you. I want to have your children.' Sometimes they leave skid marks.
Cats are a waste of fur.
Never take candy from strangers.
My Vegas act is how I make my money.
Men don't mature. Marry a younger one.
Men in high levels of government seldom surf.
All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
Men do cry, but only when assembling furniture.
Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
Not one man in a beer commercial has a beerbelly.
Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.
All men would still really like to own a train set.
Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
I love to write jokes and that's all I think about.
Men who drink herbal teas are seldom serial killers.
I just don't get cats. To me, they're a waste of fur.
If you are who you are on stage, people pay attention.
Men who write love letters don't live in this century.
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
I don't look back. I'm like a shark - I only look forward.
Human nature is largely something that has to be overcome.
To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'
When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
How can I have morning sickness when I don't get up till noon?
If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good.
Thirty, I really like you but I still have to see other people.
I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
I rationalize shop. I buy a dress because I need change for gum.
Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it.
I knew so little about money I used to sign my check, "Love, Rita."
Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
If you like easygoing, monogamous men, stay away from billionaires.
My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping.
On my tombstone it will say: 'I tried everything - nothing was easy.'
Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.
I never panic when I get lost. I just change where it is I want to go.
An amicable divorce is like a ventilated condom; it just doesn't work.
My new dress. Do you like it? It's from my favorite designer, On Sale.
I jogged for three miles once. It was the worst three hours of my life.
Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.
One of my first office jobs was cleaning the windows on brown envelopes.
I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal.
I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962.
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
Stand-up is my favorite thing I've ever done. There's so much independence.
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
The closest I ever came to a menage-a-trois was when I dated a schizophrenic.
I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I'm lying.
