Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
My parents were my worst audience.
During sex I fantasize that I'm someone else.
For 45 years I've worked without an audience.
I tried phone sex - it gave me an ear infection.
Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.
My wife's hip, beautiful and independent and never jealous.
I'm 70; I'm just glad I'm on top of the ground. Honest to God.
I'm paranoid. On my stationary bike, I have a rear view mirror.
I love being famous. It validates that I have something to say.
I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.
My performance level has risen - and my anxiety-level has sky-rocketed.
My act is always a work in progress. I pray I have a bad day before a show.
When you're in love it's the most glorious two and a half days of your life.
My grandmother was a Jewish juggler: she used to worry about six things at once.
There's a thin line between narcissism, even if it's a healthy narcissism, and entertainment.
I never wanted to do observational humor because I never wanted to tell people what they were seeing.
I certainly wouldn't be a dental hygienist - they should get the Medal of Honor just to look at people's gums.
When I started out, I struggled, and I was broke a lot. But I'm glad I struggled, and I'm glad I was broke a lot.
I didn't ever feel close to my real family. I didn't feel validated; I never felt right because I was always wrong.
I know what my sweet spot has been. It's personal stuff, dysfunction, fear of intimacy, family stuff, psychology stuff. I eviscerate myself onstage.
I'm psyched-up when I do radio. I can reach hundreds of thousands of people in a market. And way psyched-up when I'm on television. For people not to take it seriously is foolish.
My humor is channeling everything through my brain. For example, when I talk about something, it's how Richard Lewis feels about it. I'm a storyteller. I do a lot of free association.
I was way more comfortable in front of strangers than I was in front of relatives. So when they would laugh at my dysfunctions or my anxiety, I felt less alone, and I still do it for the same reason.
I never gave much thought to anything since I was 22 years old, when I got into the arts, so when Larry David came to my house in 2000, I didn't even think about it - I just thought about showing up on the set.
When I was younger, I listened to the greats: Winters, Mel and Carl, Nichols and May, Pryor, Carlin, Klein, Berman and lots of Lenny Bruce albums. But once I started doing fairly well, I didn't want to hear anybody's jokes or premises.
I like to read biographies of authors that I love, like Richard Yates. I also like to see what non-fiction authors are out there. My bible is Something Happened. It's one of the greatest books I've ever read. But if I don't read a Dostoevsky soon I'm going to kill myself.
I was 23, and all sorts of people were coming in and out and watching me, like Steve Allen and Bette Midler. David Brenner certainly took me under his wing. To drive home to my little dump in New Jersey often knowing that Steve Allen said, 'You got it' - that validation kept me going in a big, big way.
If you want to devote yourself to the arts, you'd better do it strictly from passion, because there is zero guarantee that you'll get anywhere. The hardest thing is dealing with business people who have nothing to do with your art. They could care less that you're up at 4:30 in the morning writing a joke. Don't expect any sympathy from anybody.