Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.
You have to remember: the wife been home all day cleaning asses and feeding faces. Sometimes the opposite.
My favorite band - and Bobby Cannavale and Terry Winter have already made fun of me for this - is Chicago.
It's starting to feel good, although I don't like feeling too good - that's not where my comedy comes from.
I'm a 14 handicap. Anyone who golfs knows what that means. I shoot 90 to a hundred or, once in a while, 85.
That's when you know you're a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.
I'll be spending the holidays with my family. Nothing special, just some light bickering and biting sarcasm.
As an actor, that's nerve-wracking enough [drunk and doing coke] because you have to do it at the right level.
You don't want to shock them and do something totally opposite, but you also want to play a different character.
Whenever I walk off the golf course, I thank God that I'm able to tell a joke. I thank God I'm good at something.
Why can't I love him (a 2 yr old nephew) from afar? That's how I want to love him - through pictures and folklore.
Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.
I would get my student loans, get money, register and never really go. It was a system I thought would somehow pan out.
My theory has always been that everyone in show business is there because they were deprived of some attention as a child.
I have the show because I'm insecure. It's my insecurity that makes me want to be a comic, that makes me need the audience.
I don't want to say work is who I am, but some people feel more centered and more whole when they're producing and creating.
Mike Royce and I have always had success writing what we know. What we know now is that we're middle-aged, neurotic and fat.
In school, I wasn't a very good student - I was very irresponsible and never did the studying but always liked to get the laugh.
I didn't want to have to follow 'Everybody Loves Raymond' with another sitcom. Let it be my sitcom legacy, and leave it at that.
When you're in the living room every week for nine years as one character, it's hard for some people to see you as someone else.
If you are someone, you know, with fame, whatever amount, it's good to be married to someone who's not impressed with that at all.
If I have sex, I know my quarterly estimated taxes must be due. And if it's oral sex, I know it's time to renew my driver's license.
That's the one thing I have over any twenty-one-year-old: a proud history of accumulated neuroses. That's the game in which I'm da man.
I like a good cry - it's cathartic; it's a release. But I've never been able to be so free to do that on camera the way some actors can.
Whenever I get down about life going by too quickly, what helps me is a little mantra that I repeat to myself: at least I'm not a fruit fly.
My wife gets so jealous. She came home from work and was mad at me because there was a pretty girl on the bus she thought I would have liked.
I'd rather be in Las Vegas 104 degrees than New York 90 degrees, you know why? Legalized prostitution. In any weather that takes the edge off.
The married man has all but eliminated that worry from his life, simply because his wife knows all about him: the good, the bad, and the tiny.
I just go to work, come home. And my wife lets me throw my clothes on the floor, and she doesn't say anything, so I must be making some money.
You're only as good as your last joke, your last show, your last whatever. The confidence is there, but underneath, there is always insecurity.
I still feel like an immature idiot inside, but I look in the mirror and - as a friend of mine once said- this old guy keeps getting in the way.
I do know its important to keep the romantic spark alive in your marriage. But with four kids, sometimes it's enough just to keep yourself alive.
The only thing I miss from the sitcom format is that immediate gratification of when you're, if we're talking about comedy, of the live audience.
My joke used to be about my father and Peter Boyle: that anything you see Peter Boyle do on TV, my father has done in real life without pants on.
My wife said to me 'I hope you win... but if you do and you go up and say you love me, don't think it makes up for never saying it when we're alone.
I came from an Italian house. The refrigerator was always full. I never knew you had to buy food. I thought there were food fairies that came at night.
You might think that's an exaggeration but believe me, if you leave twin two-year-olds alone in your living room, at some point a cow will be airborne.
When you wake up one day and say, "You know what? I don't think I ever need to sleep or have sex again." Congratulations, you're ready (to have children).
People are going to see both of us and think it's an Abbott and Costello kind of thing. It's not an easy switch. It's not an easy transition from TV to film.
Each day it's like: 'How many more days am I going to feel young and vibrant? I feel young and vibrant now, but I also feel the aches and pains a little bit.
Identical twins. I'm glad they're identical 'cause you save money on photographs. That's what I like. Yeah. Here's my little boy. I got another one just like it.
If golf wasn't enjoyable and there wasn't a lot of humor and enjoyment, even though the game is so frustrating, you would wonder why you put yourself through it.
When you go to standup, there seems to be a common denominator of some form of need or want for validation from the audience that maybe you were lacking as a kid.
I remember I did the movie 'Eulogy,' and there was a dramatic moment in it. It was pretty heavy, and I went for it. It was... I didn't feel that comfortable doing it.
I'm always giving myself the Alzheimer's test. My shrink told me to do this. It takes one minute. You name every word that comes to mind that begins with the letter F.
I did 15 shows a week when I lived in New York. I did five shows on a Friday and seven shows on a Saturday. It was everything I did and it was my sole source of income.
I have some classes in accounting, but I don't know anything about accounting. I - you know, when my accountant tells me all the things he does, it's a foreign language to me.
I realized I need to work. I need to be creative. As much as I have angst and anxiety, when I'm idle, it's even more. I have to keep moving. Otherwise, I catch up with myself.
People think living in your parents' basement until you're twenty-nine is lame. But what they don't realize is that while you're there, you save money on rent, food, and dates.
Anna would be just as happy with me if I were a plumber. As a matter of fact, when she married me, I was working at a bank and living at home. I didn't move out until I was 29!