Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I don't get sick.
I still do standup.
I don't watch 'Mad Men.'
I was wracked with insecurity.
I lived at home till I was 29.
I still got my hair, I'm not fat.
I do what I do because I love it.
I have this mistress: show business.
You know, a TV show is a slow build.
I'm aging, and the world is seeing it.
I want to do well and I want to fit in.
My career has been my craziest adventure.
I love standup and I haven't given it up.
I like doing film, you know, single-camera.
I married a saint - well, a saint who curses.
I do still get intimidated by certain things.
I can't complain about my career, that's for sure.
I go to Hooters for lunch every day. Then for coffee.
Nothing like a little chest pain to restore your faith.
Every parent knows that for a kid, the car is chloroform.
I am like Hugh Hefner minus anything good about his life.
I just don't want to play the same guy again over and over.
Well, I'm a 14 handicap. Anyone who golfs knows what that means.
I think that as actors age, the work becomes more organic to them.
After 'Raymond,' there was this big feeling of, 'What do I do next?'
If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now.
I love hitting into the rough because it gets me close to the people.
If I had never gotten famous or rich, I think I'd be equally neurotic.
My daughter's tricycle said "Some Assembly Required." It came in a jar.
I never want to give up stand-up. Because I still get a thrill out of it.
The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.
I'm a little different from the average dude because I'm on high-def TV now.
I feel like this is a dream - and I apologize for how I dressed some of you.
The best comedy, I feel, comes in a drama because it balances each other out.
I don't know if you want to see the Everybody Loves Raymond guy in a nude scene.
Flappers sounds like where waitresses go after they're too old to work at Hooters.
Parents, just keep in mind that kids will always round off to the nearest obscenity.
Failure-it centers me. Too much success has me thinking, All right, what's goin' on?
My hair was long - in my high school year book, I looked like an ugly David Cassidy.
It seems to be a common denominator with a lot of comics, this low self-esteem thing.
It's my insecurity that makes me want to be a comic, that makes me need the audience.
My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning.
In stand-up, there's that idea that comedy comes from a dark place, but it's not a rule.
In a way, comedy is like sex. The more noise you hear, the better you think you're doing.
You know, before I would think, my cab driver hates me. Now I think my limo driver hates me.
I don't want to be a spokesman for family values, but that's the way my standup is perceived.
My kids are growing up and it's hard to accept they are their own person and they're independent.
I've always wondered, what am I going to do that's important with these stupid jokes that I tell.
The fact that they let me in a movie with Gene Hackman has left me with no faith in show buisness.
I don't think men talk as much as women, but when we have something on our minds we'll get it out.