Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .
Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.
It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!
When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.
We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
Before you get married you should meet your fiance's parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book; or a friend who's #read one.
Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?
A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
Comedy is tragedy revisited or hostility. It is mock hostility, of course, or it would be ugly; we would have a war.
The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.
Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.
When he proposed he said, "We'll make such beautiful music together," but in this duet, his part seems to be all rests.
I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, "You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed."
I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
They always say to Californians that we don't have seasons. Of course, that is not true. We have fire, flood, mud and drought.
get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one.
If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'
Just the other day I said to Fang, "Don't you think we've got a storybook romance?" and he said, "Yes, and every page is ripped.
A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can't buy any of it.
I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."
The reason I'm not an alcoholic is I don't like to drink in front of the kids . . . and when you're away from them, who needs it?.
Everybody knows how much time Fang spends in bed. A local store that gives a 30 days' trial on mattresses gives Fang only 15 days.
Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, "A teaspoon before going to bed," and in one day he uses seven bottles.
I am constantly being asked about individuals. The only way to win is as a team. Football is not about one or two or three star players.
My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.
Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they'd ever given blood.
Would you believe that I once entered a beauty contest? I must have been out of my mind. I not only came in last, I got 361 get-well cards.
Keep at least one window pane clean to check the weather. Once when I didn't do this I sent the kids off with umbrellas for six weeks straight.
Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.
One [expert] said, 'Always have a baby sitter who is acquainted with your children.' If they were acquainted with my children, they wouldn't sit!
I don’t want to sound like I’m on dope, but that hour is a high; it’s as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful happiness, and great power.
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.
Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.
Mothers-in-law do not make good house pets. Once I had the most wonderful dream -- I dreamed that mothers-in-law cost money and I couldn't afford one.
Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.
I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren.
In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
Have you ever known anyone who bought a fruitcake for himself? Of course not. They are purchased as Christmas gifts, mostly for people you don't particularly like.