Phyllis Diller Quotes - Page 3

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What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.

My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.

It's a certain kind of immortality, because those Disney films do go on and on and on.

I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... and reduce the crime rate.

There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.

Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.

The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.

The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.

I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

My timing is so precise, a heckler would have to make an appointment just to get a word in.

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they're early, so naturally you're not ready.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.

Doctors say it's okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.

Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss; we touch gloves.

I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?

I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.

Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.

If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.

Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.

Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody.

When I go to bed at night, I've got so much grease on my body I wear snow chains to hold up my gown.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.

[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.

Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn't keep him awake - even when it's hot and being spilled on him.

My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.

I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.

My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.

My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.

... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.

They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!

When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.

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