Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.
I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.
I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men - I'm sick of karate.
Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling.
I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn't show the dirt.
I got my first laugh when my mother entered me in a baby contest.
I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
Tennis is like marrying for money. Love has nothing to do with it.
I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
My mother-in-law buys her coats in a carper shop. She wears a 9x12.
I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish.
How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.
I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.
My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.
I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!
I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.
Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his.
The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.
If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.
All I ever learned at my mother's knee was what a bony knee looked like.
He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.
I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
I'd love to slit my mother-in-law's corsets and watch her spread to death.
It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.
My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.
I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.
There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
Once Fang took pep pills and they worked - the only time he ever ran to bed.
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.
I met my husband when a friend sent him over to my house to cure my hiccoughs.
It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.
My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.
... if I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular.
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.