Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I was destined to make people laugh.
Old women with mobile phones look wrong.
Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
Garlic bread - it's the future, I've tasted it.
I'm not homophobic. I'm not scared of my house.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
I don't really see the point in offensive comedy.
You never know where to look when eating a banana.
Amarillio, just turn to the left and 500 yards down
Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
I am fascinated by real people who are really funny.
No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
It's impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
I can only write about what I know, I'd be crap anywhere else.
I'm actually shy and my salvation is coming home and being normal.
Sometimes I wish I could clone myself, you know, be in two places at once.
I never settled because I wasn't meant to pack toilet rolls or stack shelves.
My entire act is through and through British. I reference everything British.
If my mum or my wife says that something isn't funny, I know I've struck gold.
It's like a childish dream come true to be in 'Doctor Who' and to be an alien.
Being a dad is just brilliant and fantastic. You can't put into words what it's like.
The most painful household accident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
There's no great secret or plan, I just think I'm funny and I want to make people laugh.
People often ask what I think of Michael McIntyre. I think he's funny. He's a nice bloke.
There's some belting hymns. Brilliant hymns. When I was an altar boy the hymns were great.
If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
Being a comedian is probably the only job apart from undertaking that isn't age restricted.
The fact that I have had so much time to be a dad and to be around my children is brilliant.
Audiences want comedy that has no venom. They want to have a laugh without it becoming twee.
You ever dip your biscuit in your tea and it breaks. I swear now, you never get used to that.
The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when your hand or head is stuck in something.
I like interesting casting, and casting people who you think might be slightly different in parts.
I love 'Phoenix Nights' and I would love to go back. I've got a lot of ideas about 'Phoenix Nights.'
I've got loads of ideas swimming round, and I've even organised them in a nice folder on me computer.
I'm not the sort of comedian who wants to make audiences think about politics. I'm not clever in that way.
I find it more challenging to do something new. But I would love to do a third series of 'Phoenix Nights.'
Family are very important to me. They keep you grounded and sane. It's really important that you don't lose that.
Oh God love Susan Boyle. God love 'er. I've nothing more to say about Susan, except God love 'er and God bless 'er.
It's lonely being stuck in a hotel in London for two nights. Even a couple of nights away from the children is awful.
You can't not do stand-up for seven years and then not expect anyone else to come along. That's life, things move on.
I could probably make another series of 'Phoenix Nights' or 'Max And Paddy,' but that would just feel like a safe bet.
I don't do that much telly because I want quality, not quantity - you've got to be happy with what you're putting out.
It's about self-sacrifice. Since having children, I've worked, but I've maintained the balance of being at home as well.
My mum can't watch 'Car Share' - well she does, but she says, 'Peter I can't enjoy it because you're not watching the road.'
A lot of series tend to go on for one series too many, especially with comedies, and I think people say 'ooh, it's gone off, that.'